Tag Archives: Ron Padgett

Made In The Shade 4-1

—Perhaps the question is how important is it to be published?

In the long run, it’s not that important, but it does wonders for the poet’s ego, and it can determine whether or not they continue to pursue this chimera. My early success in getting work published in both Rolling Stone and The Paris Review reinforced my belief in myself. I knew all along that Charlie Perry, the copy editor at Rolling Stone, was using my short poems as filler, and I was alright with that. It was not, after all, a poetry magazine. On the other hand, it was only many years later I learned that Tom Clark, the poetry editor at The Paris Review at the time, accepted my poems using the “dart board” method of choosing work. But, by then, it was too late. I had already invested too much in the exalted opinion of myself to go back. He should shoulder some of the blame for my monstrous tenacity in the face of repeated failure.

—Do you feel that you have made enemies, partly because of your success, or even lack of it, among poets?

Rather than share my paranoid fantasies, which I assure you can be lengthy, let me just say that most of the enemies I’ve made among poets, I have done so unintentionally. Probably because I naively believe that all poets are equal, and in so believing, I’ve transgressed against the self-serving elitism that is so prevalent. It shouldn’t come as any surprise that there is exclusivity among poets. If someone tells me that they are a poet, I’m willing to take that at face value. If their work suffers in comparison with some of the more talented contemporary writers, they are no less poets. Perhaps their skills are not as developed as a poet who’s had the benefit of a university education and the connections that go along with it. For whatever reason, in spirit, it does not make them less of a poet. To claim to be a poet is to recognize the place of language in your life. And that’s relatively simple and allowable. The hard part is dedicating your life to the pursuance of being a poet and not looking back.

—What does that have to do with making enemies?

Nothing, probably, except that by not being overly judgmental I have violated the simplistic fundamental of ‘if you’re not with us, you’re against us.’  Someone is bound to take exception and put a political spin on it.

—Why don’t you write political poems?

I don’t have the inclination, and besides I don’t want to say something that I might have to take back. I have to admit to being naive and foolish, but when it comes to things political, I would like to play my cards close to my vest. First of all, it is foolish to trust government. One should live in constant mistrust of its intentions. It is unpredictable and unwieldy, and unaware of how its actions can, for the sake of paperwork, affect the lives of its citizens. Are we cognizant of the bugs we crush underfoot when we are out strolling in the splendor of our existence in the natural world? No, of course not. Self-government remains our only alternative, constant vigilance in the service of a spiritual integrity. Then we can pass easily through the bars of light like a shadow against dark green foliage, disappear like a vapor into a harmony like that of the cosmos of which we know so little, about which we presume so much, this harmony of mystery.

—Does the thought of government always make you so metaphysical?

You caught me on a good day.


                Life imitates TV
                          numbs me with inescapable fear
                                       distracted by commercial
                                I can still feel
                    the actual shock
               someone out of control
               snuffs a segment of the female population
               what’s crazy
                              he ain’t the first
                    o reptilian terror!
               (I should never watch 
                                        the evening news)
               everyone’s worst possible fear come true
               film at eleven
                              by then it’s too late
               potential for flip-out increases
                    in direct proportion
                    to the quickening pace of life
                                   in the fast lane
                    the formula for brutality
               proven by random highway death
                    otherwise known as
                              American Roulette
               it was only a matter of time
               victimized by the curse of ingenuity
                              too good to be true
               sink to the lowest common denominator
               bottom line of senseless death
                         no longer gods to blame
                         demons find vent     
                    drawn by unremitting carnage
                    that gores day and night
                    with such regularity
                         you can count on it
               bagged in plastic bodies carried off

10/4/89
that bebop thing with a late century spin
when you talk in those terms you give yourself history
I’d just as soon look at my watch
what shows am I missing 
I’m entertaining enough as it is
now it can be told
art imitates entertainment
if it were only a little more consistent
there might be some money in it

“I’m going to Disneyland!” sez Yamaguchi the skater
I’m going to dithyramb! sez I the poet
doing my best to imitate Newton’s Long John
well aware that his paronym has made
a long and lasting impression on the native psyche
and must forever be co-referents in cultural history
once again through the looking glass (lens)
what’s under the rock of consciousness stirs examined17

and then there’s the saxophone
are we blessed or what

cartoon duck head

retake and mistake

Virgo: Archeology of a very personal nature continues to occupy much of your inner life. Once you’ve peeled away the layers of past experience and learned to differentiate between the expectations of others and your own needs, you’ll be ready for the major role of your life: The Real You. It’s pick and shovel work.

10/8/93
windowpane portrait
when you look out and see
your reflection

obsession decanted
to a mere fizzle

VICTORIA IN THE MORNING

The noisome heat of Indian summer reverberated through the shorter days like the crash of cheap brass cymbals. I was hoofing it to town on my way to the post office, having stepped out of the cool of a late morning house without realizing how stifling the day had become until I was about half way there. That’s when I ran into Steve Lavoie. He had Victoria Rathbun in tow. They had just hitchhiked up from the city, spur of the moment. It had only taken them two rides. I wondered that it had taken that many. Victoria was radiant as usual: copper hair piled in ringlets on top of her head, pale skin so transparent it glowed, eyes flecked green, and of course, a skimpy tank-top and very very short skirt that would have caused most heads to turn in admiration and outright desire. I added a couple of six-packs to the items I was supposed to bring back from the store, and we eventually made our way back to my place. Pheromones travel well on hot days. Soon Jeff showed up with a quart of economy brew. He called Andrei who called Dick. Steve called Michael-Sean. Before long there was a gang of poets crowding my living room. Everyone was well aware of Victoria’s considerable literary talents and erudition, the perfect combination of beauty and brains. To rescue the boys from a permanent case of drooling slack jaw, I suggested we write some poems together. I set my Olympia typewriter on the mantle of the old gas fireplace in the living room and let the poets do their thing. Much of what was said was probably wittier than what went on the page. The puns and fun lasted into early evening. About that time the beer ran out. We then headed over to the Knotty Room to play some pool and drink more beer. It was still unseasonably hot around midnight when Steve and Victoria and I staggered back to the house. I shook out the old sleeping bags and we all took turns puffing into the air mattress. One of them had the couch, the other one had the floor, and by then I didn’t care who got what. Early the next morning, after I had made coffee, I found Victoria sitting in the cool of the yard, basking in the first rays of light coming over the ridge and moving across her bare thigh like a hand, my hand. There’s nothing like the scent of stale perfume in the morning, I thought to myself. It smells like. . .like Victoria.


          Useless information
               the telltale sign of entropy
          mounts the scale of complexity
                    on the way
          the less specific more likely
               to ride the curve to diversity
               
          I pick the oddest moments to think of these things
               
          eyes closed
                    fingers crossed
                             elbows to knees
                                        knuckles to chin
               
                    constant review
                    no matter what
                    reflects the latest
               
          success
               that’s the question
                                   success
                                        who needs it
               
          a flock of hands fly up
               that’s what I think too
                              for the birds
               
          “birds eat shit”
                    according to William Carlos Williams
               (I couldn’t have it on better authority)
               
          and that concludes our lecture
                         on the evolution of the species
                    for today
                              thank you

10/10/92	
I am a tree
I grow thicker
with age

10/11/91
an eye hooked directly to the imagination
a tiny square photo depicting
a native woman of Southeast Asia
right outside my window one morning
only the contrast and contour of a dead
leaf caught on a thread of gossamer
once a breeze passes through to dispel
the enchantment of shadow and light
spins suspended toward another configuration

head gear

(give a man enough space and he’ll explode)  

breakfast returned as marriage 
and evening moans 
      in the attitude of standing trees 
a toast with wine to success 
not French but wine all the same  

10/11/93 
frigid orange light
drapes the forested hills
creamy clouds against
an ever darkening blue
sickle moon smiles down

an answering thought recalls it all

buried in the bushes
last Wednesday’s newspaper

green hillsides flecked
with gold leaves
high clouds band the heavens
clatter of a leaf rake

latch

in the shadow of a glass bison


10/12/86
in near morning’s anemic light
bamboo stalks bend before a sudden gust

porch light on day and night
newspapers mail piles up

gone crazy I escape
the terrifying sanity of calm days


10/14/89
Don’t let your sense of propriety engineer you into extinction.

POO: Poets of Outer Orbit. . .their motto: “Poetry is shit!”

still life: every space has a face

                                                 10/15/90
Dear Alice,
Well I think I may have it somewhat together here. When I went dredging through the archives, I came across a bunch of stuff I thought might be of “interest” to you and the readers of Scarlet. The dream/gossip idea immediately made me think of that old dreamer and etherophile, Max Jacob, and so I enclose a couple of translations of his strange stuff —I haven’t seen these particular prose poems of his published in translation in any mags or collections of his work, but I’m sure that Michael Brownstein or Ron Padgett (or both) have translated every poem and loose fragment Max Jacob ever penned. Also enclosed a couple of my pale imitations of the master dreamer which kinda fall into the dream/gossip category. The Bolinas piece I’ve had around for a while. I never thought I’d ever get anybody to seriously consider it (since I don’t consider it serious), but after Collum’s “haibun” in the last issue, I don’t feel so apprehensive about sending it to you. I had an idea for a series of “Pat-journeys-off-to-give-a-reading” travel journals (a la Basho) which starts with the one I wrote about going to New York City to read at the Poetry Project in ‘78. But since I’ve virtually stopped giving readings (or travelling any great distance to do so) that idea has about stopped in its tracks. The contents (light hearted to say the least) also fits your “gossip” criteria. I do fail to mention a delicious chicken dinner that Joanne served up, and how Magda, Lew Welch’s ex and Huey Lewis’ mom, showed up just in time for the meal and promptly bombed us all out with a chunk of hash the size of a Milk Way. I still don’t remember how we all managed to make it down to the library for the reading. But from all accounts (polite or otherwise) it went well once I managed to untangle my synapses


               As I take the turns
                              that make up the curves
                    of my existence
               I invariably run into a few walls
               (nose throbs from bump)
               it’s a regular house of mirrors
                    the way I can’t 
                                   make up my mind
                         the cruel hoax
                    begins when I take
                    the cans to the curb
                    the sky’s color red
                         though through
               the night I thrashed
                         in the sheets of possibility
                    rearranging the furniture
               in the hazy living room of dreams
               they come back to me with my coffee
                    cardboard 
                         (could be styrofoam)
                            cutouts of people
                         I don’t even know
                    situations whose probability
                              is real enough
               I get back in bed
                         but dream no more     
                              gaze out the window
                    into walnut’s intricate pattern
                              of shadowy leaves
                         where sparks of brightening
                    morning leak through
               and distinguishing color can appear

THE ARCHIMEDEAN SOLUTION  
(Or, Hit the Road, Jack)

One morning after another party, there came a knock on my door. Andrei, Steve, and Lana stood there, shoulder to shoulder (in Andrei’s case, shoulder to ribcage), in a rather bedraggled condition. They had stayed up all night, talking and drinking. The problem was that at one point they had gone for a drive and ended up on some off-the-beaten-track dirt road. Steve’s car was stuck in a ditch. They had come to me to help them push. I dutifully slipped into my boots while reciting a list of some of my more colorful expletives, pulled my hair back into a working ponytail, and accompanied them, on foot, to the scene of the mishap. Sure enough, Steve’s Nash Rambler was sitting slightly askew to the overgrown logging road, the right rear wheel lodged in a narrow but deep ditch. After a few vain attempts at trying to muscle the car out of the rut, we stood around looking red in the face and breathing heavily. Except for Lana, of course, she just looked gorgeous. Then it came to me: the Archimedean solution! I had Steve get the jack out of the trunk and attach it at the rear bumper close to the edge of the ditch. We took turns on the tire iron, ratcheting the rear of the Rambler up until the entire back end wobbled precariously at the top of the jack and the wheel had cleared the confines of the ditch. At this point, I had everyone stand on the bank on the outside of the ditch and, on the signal, we all pushed the car toward the road. This caused the Rambler to fall off its perch, flinging the jack dangerously into the air. Our united effort, however, was just enough to move the car so that when the wheels hit the ground, the right rear tire was out of the ditch, but just by inches. Steve started the car up and got it back onto the road. Pleased with myself, I turned to Andrei. “Where were you guys going, anyway?”  He shrugged. “Don’t ask me, man, I don’t drive.”


             “Scoop the mellow pumpkin”
                              those days over for now
                    plastic teeth
                    eyebrow pencil
                    create the difference
               the unconscious unleashed
                                   if you’re lucky
               full moon and the adventure of night
               I experience in the excitement of my kids
               though at the back of my mind
                                             some nut’s
                              got the candy poisoned
                              or razors
                                   pins stuck in fruit cookies
               hard to heed the caution going full bore
                    in the dark
                              just waiting for something
                    horrible to happen

               survived time change days brisk bright
               amber atmosphere turning leaves enforce
               morning mist chill sops the fallen to rot
               low sun glare floods autumn streets

               taste test time

               enormous dildo-like flowertop
               Chinese coffee
                         (black with a dollop of O)
               I’m only dreaming of course
                    caught between events
               gladiator of the seasons
                              I need someone

The ants of rain warn of the approach of rain. The first of rain is a blessing of rain. That is the disguise of rain. The damp of rain, the chill of rain sends shivers of rain up the spine of rain. Soon there is the too-much-of-a-good-thing of rain. The wind of rain whips through the trees of rain carrying the debris of rain tumbling along the asphalt of rain and washing across the windows of rain which run with myriad rivulets of rain. The silence of rain reveals the cunning of rain to the exile of rain.


10/16/87
across the surface of sleep
a flat stone skips 
awaken to ripple of dreams

when we become pure information
then we’ll travel to the stars

10/17/89
earthquake!

10/21/94
432 (9), the number of the Goddess/Time

some words have to be drained of their meaning so that they may 
join others to really mean something

I find myself constantly seeking the effect of synthesis, a restless, haphazard quest

10/25/87
Keith Abbott and Anselm Hollo dropped by right around the time the leaves whose bright contrast in various stages of atrophy always astound with their mellowing auras. Keith claimed that the yellow and purple vineyard rows were talking to him. Anselm insisted that he keep his eyes on the road, remembering, no doubt, his own erratic meanderings behind the wheel. Anselm was much taller than I remembered him. I don’t know why I had pictured him as a gnome. Perhaps it’s the gnome-like glee he displays when the repartee reaches a certain frenzy. Ah, the inevitable spinouts of the mind! The thought police are asking to see your license. “Sir, are you a citizen of this country?” “I’m a fucking Viking!”  “Can I see your green card, please?”  They stayed the afternoon and too soon it was dark and they had to head back. I can’t remember a thing we talked about. 

10/28/90
The rejection slip read: “Your poems are both good and original. Unfortunately, the parts that were good weren’t original, and the parts that were original weren’t good.”18

Endnotes:
[17] Each formal unit in the poem, the phoneme, the word, the grammatical bonds or elisions, the metrical arrangement, the stylistic conventions which attach it to other poems in the historical set or family, is charged with a semantic potential of innovation and inexhaustibility. The manifold of possible meanings is the exponential product of all possible sense or non-sense words as these are construed, imaged, tested, indwelt through the interaction of two liberties: that of the text, in movement across time, and that of the receiver.

[18] Nothing necessitates the generation of the fictive. In the immense majority of men and women, early impulses toward the making of art have withered away altogether. The production of executive forms by the poet is a supremely free act. It is liberality in essence and a wholly unpredictable choice not not to be. Only in the aesthetic is there the absolute freedom not to have come into being. Writing the poem is the illusion; reality is the poem to be written. Once written, poems become relics, ossified remnants of vague moments of consciousness. Poems simply anticipated their own misreading.

Subtext:
“. . .the leaves o’er Orpheus’ head are isosceles triangles —d’you think he notices—boom box blaring bass thud, grooving. Across the street a black pine holds up a crown of confused branches like a wild dark green spiky hairdo, the trunk rising sinuously and even appears to have a waist. Above where the waist would be, two limbs have been removed leaving the pale circular scars of perfect placement and proportions resembling nothing less than breasts, the early darker growth rings at the center of each cut like the caramel aureoles of a beautiful maid. During the transition from one song to the next on the tape, there is a resounding silence broken all too soon by the whine of an automobile engine gathering speed and the thunderous cacophony of the next cut. Only the sound of the Uzi’s wielded by the carload of Pachuca Locas, a gang of wild homegirls who effectively chop poor O to pieces as precisely as if they had used a food processor on a pound of mushrooms is louder. . . “

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Made In The Shade 2-2

FROM NEW YORK TO MONTE RIO

Dick Gallup spent some time on the Russian River. He was associated with the New York School of Poets as well as being one of the “Tulsa triumvirate” which included Ted Berrigan and Ron Padgett. Dick, family in tow, drove up from San Francisco, where he’d been staying, to visit Andrei one weekend. Fresh from the Big Apple, the idyllic spring weather and laid back California life style extended numerous possibilities for beginning life anew. Before long, Dick, Carol, and kids had moved up to the River, and the literary scene was notably enlivened. Andrei’s prediction that Monte Rio would soon become the next Bolinas was beginning to appear likely. A community of writers blossomed and a reading series was deemed necessary. A local café called Stone Soup obliged with the space. Jeff Miller was one of the first poets to read there, along with Dick. The series was quite successful until a grease fire burned the tiny wood frame diner to the ground. The community of writers rallied and soon another venue was found. Dick’s arrival also hastened the adoption of literary labels as designations for individual poets. It started off with the obvious tagging of Dick as “the New York poet.”  Once that was established, everyone, in a fit of morbid self-consciousness, imagined what their own labels might be. Andrei was the “Transylvanian poet” of course, and Hunce Voelcker was “the Bridge poet” because of his obsession. Jeff was “the punk poet” because of his spiky hairdo. I was “the haiku poet” because I had just devoted an entire issue of my magazine, The End (& Variations Thereof), to western Haiku. And Michael-Sean Lazarchuk was “the LA poet” although he was merely from Southern California. As well, there were also the River Poets, the Just Awful Poets, the Poets of the Vineyard, the Women Poets, the Gay Poets, the Academic Poets, and the Crazy Poets. All the ingredients for a self-devouring microbic literary soup were mixing and coming to a boil in the little bowl of a valley of mist and redwoods watered by a winding narrow green river. One of the first things to boil over was Dick leaving Carol and moving back to San Francisco. After all those years, two kids, they were through. It happened as I was helping them move into the house I had just vacated. One moment I was lifting furniture and the next thing I knew I had emotional baggage on my hands. Those things happen and they’re hardly ever pleasant. Michael-Sean, up for another of his visits, was upset that he’d just missed meeting Dick. Dick had been featured in Ted’s poems and had shared the intimate details of Ted’s life. As a consolation, Gail took Sean over to meet Carol. Carol had known Ted, quite well in fact. And since nature abhors a vacuum, they were drawn to each other right away. It was a match made in poetry heaven. Gail wrote a funny account of how all that came about, and how she, as the Haiku Poet’s wife gave the New York Poet’s wife driving lessons in an old ‘64 VW with a stick shift. But that’s another story, full of stops and starts, jerks and stalls.


5/1/90
“American genius (in lit) cannot be distinguished by a casual glance from charlatanry. Purity of intention lies at the heart of American achievement.” 
                                                         –Hugh Kenner

5/2/90
fantasy doesn’t have to be real

feed the disaster of apprehension
I have become mediocre destitute
imagination like fleeting thought
never to return or be regained

“I’ve forgotten more than I can remember”

religion—organized sex with the best part left out

feeble asides

animate pliers	

5/8/90
Mon Cher —     
Already, bootleg tapes of your appearance on Nightline are on the black-market. I got mine through Voelcker Video Ventures, a video pirate down the road in Duncan Mills. You were brilliant, professional, larger than life though smaller than actual size. The piece was touching and you were its perfect expositor. There was much cheering in our living room when we saw your image appear in that familiar square to the left of Ted Koppel’s ear. The fact that we were seeing it “post-event,” so to speak, made no difference. Wish I’d been at the Pink (now since closed) knocking back a few when Nightline aired—I could have said, “Hey, I know that guy, me and him used to play eight ball at that very same table over there!”  Anyway, amigo, congrats on being chosen to deliver a beautiful (poetic) piece (a near first on near prime time) on the liberation of your homeland.
I won’t bore you with the well-known details of my existence, but as you know, life continues, and as Seneca said, “destiny leads those who are willing and drags the rest.” 
A bientot.


Rays of light
			enter my head
	brighten up 
		some dark little corner
revealing little more
	than what’s left of shadows
everything that happens
			in the dark
		has scurried off
I pare my nails in the meantime
	I’m using myself as bait
		(if you couldn’t tell)
and wait
		for the gnaw
				on my nerves
the better mousetrap isn’t used on mice
	it has a captive audience

	tonight’s full moon
		creeps up
	above the tree line
   (is it too early to take a bow?)
	planets surround it
	Venus’ white marble
	Mars’ red comma
	and some other dots
	in the pale glow
	of a hot nickel
	flipped up into
	the dark of night

			mantle of mist
	cuts the stark pointy
		silhouettes in two
clear as day
 

What do I expect from poetry, anyway?

You have no idea. You really have no program or established plan. You never ask yourself if you should ever sell your writing or not. There’s no theoretical substratum. You live, you write, you’re a poetit doesn’t mean anything, fundamentally. You’re a poet because you want a vague so-called freedom, but really you just don’t want to go to an office every morning.

Do I credit any one writer, ancestor or contemporary, with a strong influence on my poetry?

You read. Everyone and everything. That’s the prime requisite, you read extensively, and pretty soon your head gets packed with all kinds of stuff and then some of it leaks out of the end of your pen into what you’re writing in that the trivia comes out between the lines or as quotesdepending on how you feel about plagiarismor whatever, as impossible paraphrases. So no one writer has a corner on influence and all are mixed nameless into the reflex of memory. There are writers you revere but they’re much the same ones that everyone else is in awe of, too. There are vast repositories of literature to draw from, ancient and contemporary, classical and popular. All writers offer you something even if it’s nothing more than the recognition that you would or could never write that way.

How long does the writing of a poem take me?

—Sometimes you just write something in your notebook and turn the page and write something else and forget about it. And you continue to write in your notebook and days later during a pause in the action you leaf back through the pages and find what you’d written on one particular day and wonder “where did this come from?”  Then you go back and reconstruct as best as you can remember to determine whether or not you wrote it or lifted it from someone else. Not that that would do anything to hamper its utility.

—Should I be troubled by this, that I rely so heavily on what I read to affect what I write?

What you read has more of an effect on how you write than what you think. You are an information junkie, a detail demon. Trivia is like candy. What you write is determined by a subtle chemical interaction triggered by one or more of the senses which transports the assessment of those sensations into a realm beyond the physical. It is a suspension of belief that allows the imagination to color certain aspects of existence that are often hidden or unnoticed or invisible unless enhanced. Writing is a physical act, pick and shovel work. The best thing to do when digging a trench is to sing, it enforces your rhythm. Thinking would only hamper you so you don’t think. That’s what you do when you take a break to wipe your brow and swig from the canteen. You’re thinking, “Why am I doing this?”

—Alright, but what about thought? Profound thinking? Am I totally devoid of intellectual depth?

You’re surprised that you have any thoughts at all no matter how banal and that’s why they get jotted down. Sometimes that’s all there is, and, after all, your pen is always ready no matter what. Then you go back and throw out the really leaden thoughts. Or some. Otherwise you keep them and make more banalities to go along with them. Something that seems no more than the sickening thud of hitting rock bottom can end up weeks later an airy lyric central to the mechanism of your latest creation. Though writing creatively is sometimes compared to fishing in the stream of consciousness, you don’t always throw back the little one. But to get back to the point, often what starts out as philosophy with you ends up as science fiction.

Then, what is intelligence?

The word “intelligence” is a rubber band of ambiguity. There’s the logical or Cartesian form of intelligence, but you mean something else, a freer form of the problem. For you intelligence is the penetration into what the average “normal” man finds incomprehensible or difficult to understand, the everyday mysteries that are the foundation of surrealism which in the latter part of the century have become nothing more than raw doses of reality TV shows. There is something like an explosion of meaning, something you aren’t likely to get from a dictionary. We are men of the same order, you and I share a community of vision which is why you understand this idea of intelligence, enlarged, drawn out, extended, inflated. . .

—In what sense have I enlarged, inflated, exploded the limits of creation, according to my own intelligence?

Try to shy away from the word “creation.”  In the ordinary, social meaning of the word, it’s very nice, but, fundamentally, you don’t believe in the creative function of the artist. You are a man just as any other. You have a job to do. The word “artist” was invented when the painter became an individual, first in monarchal society, and then in contemporary society where they’re supposed to be gentlemen, an archaic concept all its own. They don’t make things for people; people come to choose things from among their production. The artists’ revenge is that they are much less subject to concession as when they were craftsmen. Unfortunately like poets they deal almost exclusively in framed metaphor rather than in the thing. So angst can be expressed on the square canvas or the rectangle of the page. Let’s move on.


5/4/93
Affected by the negative
worry’s sad anticipation
frozen as a turd on the tundra

the horrible awakening 
from the dream of life

spend a lot of time looking
for things I don’t need to find

5/9/89
fleeting sunset caught
along the edge of a single cloud
in the rearview mirror

5/10/90
Sudden California as opposed to Gradual California

5/12/89
ah, the four seasons of my discontent. . . The Guggenheim, the National Book Award, the Pulitzer, Book Circle Critic’s Award, After Columbus, Before Columbus, Best Unknown Poet Award, The Posthumorous Award, all of them will never be mine. Feelings of alienation so familiar10 and yet so alienating, push me further back into myself, to that self-comfort of self-knowing which is the same as asking “why do I care?”  I care that I don’t care. Every day myriad new names are appended to the already long list of pretenders. Why am I any different? Should I ask that my name be removed from the list? It’s a thought. I am repulsed at the thought of being associated with such Sisyphean futility. Day in day out, though, I find myself caring to be in this mental place where what I do is what everyone else does.

5/15/89
what have you got to lose

brilliant burning in anger
but getting burnt out

the acrobatics of memory
what was once becomes now

  Artifice
		of pen
	from which words
			dribble out
a closed universe
		only
		a message in a bottle
	no deposit
	no return

air struck wind feels good
as it dips into heat of day
and takes me out of my skin
I spin with the world around me
a cavalcade of clouds a carload
of teenagers a covey of quail
couple stray mutts kids crying
close call I almost stepped in
dog shit at the side of the road
I may have thrown my back out

I’m in for a big surprise

“what’s the matter”
refers to something
	entirely out of context
a question frequently asked
		around here

“no more electric trains”
sinks in

5/26/87
we have abandoned the reader for the writing.
“Know what? You’re not supposed to understand it!”

“In this poetry business, there are rings of intrigue.”
					—Amy Lowell

brains with stones already in them


5/27/89
	“night’s magic seems to
whisper and hush”
	I am the loud one exhaling

I know these moods11 
they will pass

gray noon
time molasses

when you displease the goddess
you become an insignificant worm


5/28/83
his face just flies apart when he cries

there is no spiritual enlightenment
only paychecks

VIRGO: Break new ground with your writing skills or musical talent. Something you launch will create a ripple effect. Logic only goes so far where romance is concerned.

I may have bitten off more than I can chew
which is why all this is so hard to swallow
it’s gulp time immobilized by fantastic disgust
conservative to the point of distraction
when I come face to face with the great stuff
I don’t even have an inkling of how to take
and the fruitless impersonations I endure rot
often surprised by how seriously I can be taken
my moments of truth few the rest make-believe
in one scenario I’m as brilliant as morning
later on it’s revealed that I have jaundice
end up spending some time on the funny farm
not true of course I’m as sane as the next guy
drawing the smoke of inspiration through a straw

the grand scale of landscape doesn’t diminish
at the horizon
distance reduces vision
where’s this stuff come from
						             anyway
grin and bear it
				quote unquote
no matter what
“there’s something fluent in the transparency”
the words of the review continue
“that stinks worse than a spoiled banana republic”

and isn’t it about time
a VW bus full of fans
			stops to pick me up
they’re surprised to find
		I travel by thumb
just like I said in my poems
of course
	my life imitates my art

5/30/84
A large crowd came to hear Alice Notley read at New College. Rows of chairs had been set up in what once had been a mortuary chapel. To name the names of the literary set in attendance would leave open the opportunity of omitting someone or mentioning who was not there. Suffice it to say, a queue formed to have a word with Alice. She would read her sad poems tonight. She had read her “jokey” ones yesterday at the San Francisco State Poetry Center. She might even cry. Yesterday, also, she had gone to Berkeley with Philip Whalen. They had gone to a sculptor’s bronze foundry, and then she had hunted the bookstores for first editions of Ted’s books . . . .  Tomorrow, she would go shopping for the boys, and Sunday return home to them in New York City. “I don’t even know what I’m doing here.”  Long fingers touching her cheek, she gave half a smile. At the podium, in her purple blouse, she was a regal priestess. Her incantations, her witty digressions, her mood pieces were delivered with a rushed breathiness. She presented her works with an accomplished air that made obvious her practice and invention. Their integrity was solid, beautiful as well as modern. She read from her published works. And she read more recent poems that reflected the grief inflicted by the loss of her companion of many years, Ted Berrigan. It became quite evident that these two great poets had made quite a team. Through him, she had verified her strength. His invention had been the source of her inspiration. Her natural power and talent had been his affirmation. There was one image that depicted their union as a whirlwind that circled them like the stroke of a brush, blue in color. It sounded more permanent than a band of gold. In other works, she alluded to her children, and things taken from Mad Magazine and Star Wars. Throughout, she was constantly in touch with her everyday life, realizing through language, like a true artist, the opportunity presented by everything for poetry. And so it was. Alice made it so.

5/31/86
The story goes: this guy goes to see a psychiatrist and says, “It’s my brother, he thinks he’s a poet.”  The doctor frowns (he’s a Frowndian). “This sounds serious,” he says. “Does he teach at a college or university?”  “No.” “Has he received any government grants or awards from private foundations?”  “No.”  “Does he teach poetry in grade schools?”  “No.”  “Does he teach creative writing in adult education programs?”  “No.”  “Does he hold poetry workshops for seniors?”  “No.”  “Does he edit or publish a literary magazine?”  “No.”  “Does he publish literary criticism in literary periodicals?”  “No.”  “Is he claiming lineage with an acknowledged poet of the past?”  “No.”  Anyway, this goes on with the good doctor exhausting any avenue that would justify the brother’s claim of being a poet. Finally, he says, “This is indeed serious but . . . (pausing like a good Freudian) it isn’t untreatable. I believe we can work out a program of treatments that will, for all intents and purposes, eliminate this delusion.”  “But that’s the problem, doc,” says the man, “we’d like to see him cured, but we can use the poetry.”  

Pin to distraction pulled
			objective senses nullified
         by sweep of the beat
		             what underlying flows out
	            simple sentences
	            the basic code to the strands
		               that connect me to the sky

		               “I’m your puppet”

           transmission clearly worded
	             suspends superstition

	            unhealthy interruption

         day warm enough to stray full tilt introspection
         spreading leaves scatter light on concrete
         shade of another year grown into place
         tons good weather seems to lifts off your back
         day’s pasture widens in a sudden green rush
         I find myself arms akimbo growing with it
         spinning through the eons stop to feel
         thick air of morning swift breeze of afternoon
         pale sprouts flash their tiny spears in the sun
         garden stronghold of regimented vegetation
         dart of salamander bug and bee among the leaves

admiration for my choice of words comes from far away
too far away to make any difference
								                and too late
         a pirate edition sails away with the royalties
         despite my regards the gloved hand’s goodbye

End Notes:
[10] “Who needs the suckass scene? I scratch my own back and don’t need nobody kissing up like it’s gonna do them some good. Let’s keep our distance. That way I don’t owe you and you don’t owe me. There’s too much of politics in the world as it is. Ain’t gonna get the poetry any better and it’s gonna alienate the true hearts who don’t want no truck with those machinations in the first place. Why do we have to sell ourselves? Ain’t it enough what we distill into this imperfect medium of language? Why do we have to promote it any further than the edge of the page?”

[11] But if progress is not to come to a standstill, concepts of being and objects must remain plastic, must be modified, enlarged, limited, transformed, must separate and unite continually in the light of experience. If they become too rigid and turn into a system which claims to be self-sufficient, the mind engaged in such a system will go on working inside it forever and ever, cut off from any contact with reality which these very concepts are supposed to represent. They become the object of a hollow and useless dialectic and the source of deathly infatuation.

Subtext: 
Undercover report:  subject talks to himself. Complains of not being understood, being taken for granted, too little sexual activity, over-active imagination. Vain, examines his own image in the polish of his fingernails. Admits to having forgotten more than he can remember. Observed getting messages from the car radio. Finally noticing the lack of significant mail in the last several months. Beginning to suspect a conspiracy. Moods subject to change without notice. Continues to write poems throughout. Conclusion:  obvious obsessive personality.

“ . . . Eurydice’s death by snake bite and Orpheus’s failure to bring her back into the day light figure only in later myth. This idea is mistakenly deduced from pictures on vases that depicted Orpheus’s welcome to Tartarus where his music charmed the chthonic snake-goddess Hecate into giving special privileges in the afterlife to those who had been initiated into the Orphic Mysteries—an affirmation of the poet’s efficacy on the serving vessels of the day. Eurydice’s victims die of snake bite, not her, whose name means “wide justice” or “all just” and as Hecate is the serpent-grasping ruler of the underworld to whom young men were sacrificed, their deaths caused by a vipers bite just above the heel. Orpheus chose not to submit. There’s more than one way to skin the cat . . .”