Tag Archives: Pat Nolan

Made In The Shade 4-1

—Perhaps the question is how important is it to be published?

In the long run, it’s not that important, but it does wonders for the poet’s ego, and it can determine whether or not they continue to pursue this chimera. My early success in getting work published in both Rolling Stone and The Paris Review reinforced my belief in myself. I knew all along that Charlie Perry, the copy editor at Rolling Stone, was using my short poems as filler, and I was alright with that. It was not, after all, a poetry magazine. On the other hand, it was only many years later I learned that Tom Clark, the poetry editor at The Paris Review at the time, accepted my poems using the “dart board” method of choosing work. But, by then, it was too late. I had already invested too much in the exalted opinion of myself to go back. He should shoulder some of the blame for my monstrous tenacity in the face of repeated failure.

—Do you feel that you have made enemies, partly because of your success, or even lack of it, among poets?

Rather than share my paranoid fantasies, which I assure you can be lengthy, let me just say that most of the enemies I’ve made among poets, I have done so unintentionally. Probably because I naively believe that all poets are equal, and in so believing, I’ve transgressed against the self-serving elitism that is so prevalent. It shouldn’t come as any surprise that there is exclusivity among poets. If someone tells me that they are a poet, I’m willing to take that at face value. If their work suffers in comparison with some of the more talented contemporary writers, they are no less poets. Perhaps their skills are not as developed as a poet who’s had the benefit of a university education and the connections that go along with it. For whatever reason, in spirit, it does not make them less of a poet. To claim to be a poet is to recognize the place of language in your life. And that’s relatively simple and allowable. The hard part is dedicating your life to the pursuance of being a poet and not looking back.

—What does that have to do with making enemies?

Nothing, probably, except that by not being overly judgmental I have violated the simplistic fundamental of ‘if you’re not with us, you’re against us.’  Someone is bound to take exception and put a political spin on it.

—Why don’t you write political poems?

I don’t have the inclination, and besides I don’t want to say something that I might have to take back. I have to admit to being naive and foolish, but when it comes to things political, I would like to play my cards close to my vest. First of all, it is foolish to trust government. One should live in constant mistrust of its intentions. It is unpredictable and unwieldy, and unaware of how its actions can, for the sake of paperwork, affect the lives of its citizens. Are we cognizant of the bugs we crush underfoot when we are out strolling in the splendor of our existence in the natural world? No, of course not. Self-government remains our only alternative, constant vigilance in the service of a spiritual integrity. Then we can pass easily through the bars of light like a shadow against dark green foliage, disappear like a vapor into a harmony like that of the cosmos of which we know so little, about which we presume so much, this harmony of mystery.

—Does the thought of government always make you so metaphysical?

You caught me on a good day.


                Life imitates TV
                          numbs me with inescapable fear
                                       distracted by commercial
                                I can still feel
                    the actual shock
               someone out of control
               snuffs a segment of the female population
               what’s crazy
                              he ain’t the first
                    o reptilian terror!
               (I should never watch 
                                        the evening news)
               everyone’s worst possible fear come true
               film at eleven
                              by then it’s too late
               potential for flip-out increases
                    in direct proportion
                    to the quickening pace of life
                                   in the fast lane
                    the formula for brutality
               proven by random highway death
                    otherwise known as
                              American Roulette
               it was only a matter of time
               victimized by the curse of ingenuity
                              too good to be true
               sink to the lowest common denominator
               bottom line of senseless death
                         no longer gods to blame
                         demons find vent     
                    drawn by unremitting carnage
                    that gores day and night
                    with such regularity
                         you can count on it
               bagged in plastic bodies carried off

10/4/89
that bebop thing with a late century spin
when you talk in those terms you give yourself history
I’d just as soon look at my watch
what shows am I missing 
I’m entertaining enough as it is
now it can be told
art imitates entertainment
if it were only a little more consistent
there might be some money in it

“I’m going to Disneyland!” sez Yamaguchi the skater
I’m going to dithyramb! sez I the poet
doing my best to imitate Newton’s Long John
well aware that his paronym has made
a long and lasting impression on the native psyche
and must forever be co-referents in cultural history
once again through the looking glass (lens)
what’s under the rock of consciousness stirs examined17

and then there’s the saxophone
are we blessed or what

cartoon duck head

retake and mistake

Virgo: Archeology of a very personal nature continues to occupy much of your inner life. Once you’ve peeled away the layers of past experience and learned to differentiate between the expectations of others and your own needs, you’ll be ready for the major role of your life: The Real You. It’s pick and shovel work.

10/8/93
windowpane portrait
when you look out and see
your reflection

obsession decanted
to a mere fizzle

VICTORIA IN THE MORNING

The noisome heat of Indian summer reverberated through the shorter days like the crash of cheap brass cymbals. I was hoofing it to town on my way to the post office, having stepped out of the cool of a late morning house without realizing how stifling the day had become until I was about half way there. That’s when I ran into Steve Lavoie. He had Victoria Rathbun in tow. They had just hitchhiked up from the city, spur of the moment. It had only taken them two rides. I wondered that it had taken that many. Victoria was radiant as usual: copper hair piled in ringlets on top of her head, pale skin so transparent it glowed, eyes flecked green, and of course, a skimpy tank-top and very very short skirt that would have caused most heads to turn in admiration and outright desire. I added a couple of six-packs to the items I was supposed to bring back from the store, and we eventually made our way back to my place. Pheromones travel well on hot days. Soon Jeff showed up with a quart of economy brew. He called Andrei who called Dick. Steve called Michael-Sean. Before long there was a gang of poets crowding my living room. Everyone was well aware of Victoria’s considerable literary talents and erudition, the perfect combination of beauty and brains. To rescue the boys from a permanent case of drooling slack jaw, I suggested we write some poems together. I set my Olympia typewriter on the mantle of the old gas fireplace in the living room and let the poets do their thing. Much of what was said was probably wittier than what went on the page. The puns and fun lasted into early evening. About that time the beer ran out. We then headed over to the Knotty Room to play some pool and drink more beer. It was still unseasonably hot around midnight when Steve and Victoria and I staggered back to the house. I shook out the old sleeping bags and we all took turns puffing into the air mattress. One of them had the couch, the other one had the floor, and by then I didn’t care who got what. Early the next morning, after I had made coffee, I found Victoria sitting in the cool of the yard, basking in the first rays of light coming over the ridge and moving across her bare thigh like a hand, my hand. There’s nothing like the scent of stale perfume in the morning, I thought to myself. It smells like. . .like Victoria.


          Useless information
               the telltale sign of entropy
          mounts the scale of complexity
                    on the way
          the less specific more likely
               to ride the curve to diversity
               
          I pick the oddest moments to think of these things
               
          eyes closed
                    fingers crossed
                             elbows to knees
                                        knuckles to chin
               
                    constant review
                    no matter what
                    reflects the latest
               
          success
               that’s the question
                                   success
                                        who needs it
               
          a flock of hands fly up
               that’s what I think too
                              for the birds
               
          “birds eat shit”
                    according to William Carlos Williams
               (I couldn’t have it on better authority)
               
          and that concludes our lecture
                         on the evolution of the species
                    for today
                              thank you

10/10/92	
I am a tree
I grow thicker
with age

10/11/91
an eye hooked directly to the imagination
a tiny square photo depicting
a native woman of Southeast Asia
right outside my window one morning
only the contrast and contour of a dead
leaf caught on a thread of gossamer
once a breeze passes through to dispel
the enchantment of shadow and light
spins suspended toward another configuration

head gear

(give a man enough space and he’ll explode)  

breakfast returned as marriage 
and evening moans 
      in the attitude of standing trees 
a toast with wine to success 
not French but wine all the same  

10/11/93 
frigid orange light
drapes the forested hills
creamy clouds against
an ever darkening blue
sickle moon smiles down

an answering thought recalls it all

buried in the bushes
last Wednesday’s newspaper

green hillsides flecked
with gold leaves
high clouds band the heavens
clatter of a leaf rake

latch

in the shadow of a glass bison


10/12/86
in near morning’s anemic light
bamboo stalks bend before a sudden gust

porch light on day and night
newspapers mail piles up

gone crazy I escape
the terrifying sanity of calm days


10/14/89
Don’t let your sense of propriety engineer you into extinction.

POO: Poets of Outer Orbit. . .their motto: “Poetry is shit!”

still life: every space has a face

                                                 10/15/90
Dear Alice,
Well I think I may have it somewhat together here. When I went dredging through the archives, I came across a bunch of stuff I thought might be of “interest” to you and the readers of Scarlet. The dream/gossip idea immediately made me think of that old dreamer and etherophile, Max Jacob, and so I enclose a couple of translations of his strange stuff —I haven’t seen these particular prose poems of his published in translation in any mags or collections of his work, but I’m sure that Michael Brownstein or Ron Padgett (or both) have translated every poem and loose fragment Max Jacob ever penned. Also enclosed a couple of my pale imitations of the master dreamer which kinda fall into the dream/gossip category. The Bolinas piece I’ve had around for a while. I never thought I’d ever get anybody to seriously consider it (since I don’t consider it serious), but after Collum’s “haibun” in the last issue, I don’t feel so apprehensive about sending it to you. I had an idea for a series of “Pat-journeys-off-to-give-a-reading” travel journals (a la Basho) which starts with the one I wrote about going to New York City to read at the Poetry Project in ‘78. But since I’ve virtually stopped giving readings (or travelling any great distance to do so) that idea has about stopped in its tracks. The contents (light hearted to say the least) also fits your “gossip” criteria. I do fail to mention a delicious chicken dinner that Joanne served up, and how Magda, Lew Welch’s ex and Huey Lewis’ mom, showed up just in time for the meal and promptly bombed us all out with a chunk of hash the size of a Milk Way. I still don’t remember how we all managed to make it down to the library for the reading. But from all accounts (polite or otherwise) it went well once I managed to untangle my synapses


               As I take the turns
                              that make up the curves
                    of my existence
               I invariably run into a few walls
               (nose throbs from bump)
               it’s a regular house of mirrors
                    the way I can’t 
                                   make up my mind
                         the cruel hoax
                    begins when I take
                    the cans to the curb
                    the sky’s color red
                         though through
               the night I thrashed
                         in the sheets of possibility
                    rearranging the furniture
               in the hazy living room of dreams
               they come back to me with my coffee
                    cardboard 
                         (could be styrofoam)
                            cutouts of people
                         I don’t even know
                    situations whose probability
                              is real enough
               I get back in bed
                         but dream no more     
                              gaze out the window
                    into walnut’s intricate pattern
                              of shadowy leaves
                         where sparks of brightening
                    morning leak through
               and distinguishing color can appear

THE ARCHIMEDEAN SOLUTION  
(Or, Hit the Road, Jack)

One morning after another party, there came a knock on my door. Andrei, Steve, and Lana stood there, shoulder to shoulder (in Andrei’s case, shoulder to ribcage), in a rather bedraggled condition. They had stayed up all night, talking and drinking. The problem was that at one point they had gone for a drive and ended up on some off-the-beaten-track dirt road. Steve’s car was stuck in a ditch. They had come to me to help them push. I dutifully slipped into my boots while reciting a list of some of my more colorful expletives, pulled my hair back into a working ponytail, and accompanied them, on foot, to the scene of the mishap. Sure enough, Steve’s Nash Rambler was sitting slightly askew to the overgrown logging road, the right rear wheel lodged in a narrow but deep ditch. After a few vain attempts at trying to muscle the car out of the rut, we stood around looking red in the face and breathing heavily. Except for Lana, of course, she just looked gorgeous. Then it came to me: the Archimedean solution! I had Steve get the jack out of the trunk and attach it at the rear bumper close to the edge of the ditch. We took turns on the tire iron, ratcheting the rear of the Rambler up until the entire back end wobbled precariously at the top of the jack and the wheel had cleared the confines of the ditch. At this point, I had everyone stand on the bank on the outside of the ditch and, on the signal, we all pushed the car toward the road. This caused the Rambler to fall off its perch, flinging the jack dangerously into the air. Our united effort, however, was just enough to move the car so that when the wheels hit the ground, the right rear tire was out of the ditch, but just by inches. Steve started the car up and got it back onto the road. Pleased with myself, I turned to Andrei. “Where were you guys going, anyway?”  He shrugged. “Don’t ask me, man, I don’t drive.”


             “Scoop the mellow pumpkin”
                              those days over for now
                    plastic teeth
                    eyebrow pencil
                    create the difference
               the unconscious unleashed
                                   if you’re lucky
               full moon and the adventure of night
               I experience in the excitement of my kids
               though at the back of my mind
                                             some nut’s
                              got the candy poisoned
                              or razors
                                   pins stuck in fruit cookies
               hard to heed the caution going full bore
                    in the dark
                              just waiting for something
                    horrible to happen

               survived time change days brisk bright
               amber atmosphere turning leaves enforce
               morning mist chill sops the fallen to rot
               low sun glare floods autumn streets

               taste test time

               enormous dildo-like flowertop
               Chinese coffee
                         (black with a dollop of O)
               I’m only dreaming of course
                    caught between events
               gladiator of the seasons
                              I need someone

The ants of rain warn of the approach of rain. The first of rain is a blessing of rain. That is the disguise of rain. The damp of rain, the chill of rain sends shivers of rain up the spine of rain. Soon there is the too-much-of-a-good-thing of rain. The wind of rain whips through the trees of rain carrying the debris of rain tumbling along the asphalt of rain and washing across the windows of rain which run with myriad rivulets of rain. The silence of rain reveals the cunning of rain to the exile of rain.


10/16/87
across the surface of sleep
a flat stone skips 
awaken to ripple of dreams

when we become pure information
then we’ll travel to the stars

10/17/89
earthquake!

10/21/94
432 (9), the number of the Goddess/Time

some words have to be drained of their meaning so that they may 
join others to really mean something

I find myself constantly seeking the effect of synthesis, a restless, haphazard quest

10/25/87
Keith Abbott and Anselm Hollo dropped by right around the time the leaves whose bright contrast in various stages of atrophy always astound with their mellowing auras. Keith claimed that the yellow and purple vineyard rows were talking to him. Anselm insisted that he keep his eyes on the road, remembering, no doubt, his own erratic meanderings behind the wheel. Anselm was much taller than I remembered him. I don’t know why I had pictured him as a gnome. Perhaps it’s the gnome-like glee he displays when the repartee reaches a certain frenzy. Ah, the inevitable spinouts of the mind! The thought police are asking to see your license. “Sir, are you a citizen of this country?” “I’m a fucking Viking!”  “Can I see your green card, please?”  They stayed the afternoon and too soon it was dark and they had to head back. I can’t remember a thing we talked about. 

10/28/90
The rejection slip read: “Your poems are both good and original. Unfortunately, the parts that were good weren’t original, and the parts that were original weren’t good.”18

Endnotes:
[17] Each formal unit in the poem, the phoneme, the word, the grammatical bonds or elisions, the metrical arrangement, the stylistic conventions which attach it to other poems in the historical set or family, is charged with a semantic potential of innovation and inexhaustibility. The manifold of possible meanings is the exponential product of all possible sense or non-sense words as these are construed, imaged, tested, indwelt through the interaction of two liberties: that of the text, in movement across time, and that of the receiver.

[18] Nothing necessitates the generation of the fictive. In the immense majority of men and women, early impulses toward the making of art have withered away altogether. The production of executive forms by the poet is a supremely free act. It is liberality in essence and a wholly unpredictable choice not not to be. Only in the aesthetic is there the absolute freedom not to have come into being. Writing the poem is the illusion; reality is the poem to be written. Once written, poems become relics, ossified remnants of vague moments of consciousness. Poems simply anticipated their own misreading.

Subtext:
“. . .the leaves o’er Orpheus’ head are isosceles triangles —d’you think he notices—boom box blaring bass thud, grooving. Across the street a black pine holds up a crown of confused branches like a wild dark green spiky hairdo, the trunk rising sinuously and even appears to have a waist. Above where the waist would be, two limbs have been removed leaving the pale circular scars of perfect placement and proportions resembling nothing less than breasts, the early darker growth rings at the center of each cut like the caramel aureoles of a beautiful maid. During the transition from one song to the next on the tape, there is a resounding silence broken all too soon by the whine of an automobile engine gathering speed and the thunderous cacophony of the next cut. Only the sound of the Uzi’s wielded by the carload of Pachuca Locas, a gang of wild homegirls who effectively chop poor O to pieces as precisely as if they had used a food processor on a pound of mushrooms is louder. . . “

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Made In The Shade 3-3

9/4/94
went right by my birthday
didn’t bother to check the odometer

button holes gaped like tiers of silent mouths
the certain cynicism of my reflection

coming on that moon
          gully mist
and a cool drizzle
drenches orange petals
surf up from a storm
          way way out
blasts the granite to sand

9/10/90
I dwell on the page
year in and year out

Maxims of Modern Life:
1. These days when a man glimpses death over his shoulder, he stops to put on his running shoes.
2. You win, and you lose, all at the same time—the lot of a parent.
3. One day we all go our own separate ways—no explanation needed.

9/13/91
Virgo: You’ve overextended yourself. Time to decide which associations to keep and which ones to dump.

long awaited the visitors arrive
the tea cups have been set out

this is the way I’ve come to know how to live

9/14/91
auto satori
happens in Japanese cars
auto epiphany
in European models
auto jackpot 
from Detroit

               Casual my sleeves pushed up to
               my elbows that’s the way I want
               to be immortalized in marble
               fist to hip and staring off
               to a point where a hot little
               turn of the century sports 
               car is parked at the curb
               and the pigeons are pecking
               at the cracks in the sidewalk
               as I compose my very first poem 
               effortlessly 
                                   forever

               say again
               
               I was just thinking
                                   thanks

               (the sales girl of my subconscious
               goes back to filing her nails)

               I shop around
               a knick-knack here
                    a gaudy trinket there
               in the great flea market of ideas
               the forgotten at bargain prices
               recall for sale
               never finding what I really want
               caught in the contest
               between the magic and the terror
               
               huh
               
               like I said
               I posture therefore I am

—Suppose that there were a California School of Poets, who would they be?

A question like that can only lead to trouble, mainly because of who might be left off such a list. There is also the danger of saying “California” and meaning the West Coast, or vice versa. There is not the cohesion or concentration of literary talent in one close area as there is in that black hole of New York City. Many writers are on the West Coast because they want to get away from the light devouring gravity of the literary scene back there. Or they’re looking to make the big money in Hollywood. Be that as it may, there seems to be no central area where the literary talent congregates. It’s a lot more disparate. Writers are more into woodshedding, living away from the big urban centers. There are loose networks, of course, and much of it is based more on personal friendships than on any dogmatic line. San Francisco, historically, has been the so-called cultural mecca, and the Language School had a formidable presence there for years. Now Los Angeles and Seattle are holding their own, with LA outdistancing the Bay Area just by the sheer number of writers.

—Not to beg the point, but you haven’t mentioned any names.

I was trying to avoid having to, but if there were a California School the prime progenitors would include Kenneth Rexroth, Gary Snyder, Lew Welch, Joanne Kyger, and Philip Whalen, just as the icons of the New York School are said to be Kenneth Koch, John Ashbery, James Schuyler, Barbara Guest, and Frank O’Hara. A gang for each coast.

—Isn’t the function of a literary movement primarily to secure publication of poets connected with that movement?  

That seems to be the way it works. The poets associated with L=A=N=G=U=A=G=E magazine, for example, and its off shoots, succeeded quite well with this strategy. Their publications were professional if not conservative. They presented the tenets of their philosophy in the accepted academic manner with much of the same professorial aplomb that you would find in any university house publication. They served up definitions and apparent conclusions. They appeared to have a goal. While the rest of American poetry reveled in the leftover anarchy of the Beat era or was held hostage behind the gates of academia, they presented a clear direction for the future of poetry. It was like they had it all mapped out. Their publishing record was amazing. Once you had the blessing of the inner circle, you were virtually assured a book of poems. They captured academic citadels and the apologists that come with them. They became literary darlings. They churned out tome after tome, spewing chapbooks from just about every small press in the country, and their monumentally indecipherable anthologies clogged the arteries of biblio-commerce, lining the shelves of specialty bookstores with their slick but ultimately insipid spines. Success, yes, but at what price? Where are they now? And is anyone reading that stuff? So, I guess the answer is yes, an organized effort is more effective in getting a group of writers’ works published. The Objectivists are a good example of this, so are the Surrealists. History has already passed judgement on them. The jury is still out on others.


9/17/89
Day’s mood chill with damp, blanket of gray clouds and the brow beating worries that accompany it. Those miserable raindrops, who told them summer was over? The oblique rays of late September had yet to bleach the golden landscape. The staggering heat of those late days like a door open onto a blast furnace reduced to a finger-numbing cool. And that semi-tropical ease evaporated like heat from a body whose circulation narrows its confines, and the grandeur of leisure is replaced by concerns over the mundane. Dust collects indoors to remind us of our transitory nature whereas outside of this tomb we are joined easily with the free flow of air. The ancients lived with these superstitions so long they’ve become second nature now and without them we wouldn’t know enough to come out of the rain.

9/19/92
the antiquity of denial is noteworthy
righteousness arrived with property
and the choice of ownership or divestiture
moral value is basic diluted by possessions
less is moral and more is less moral
to deny is to remember who we are and
to remain moral is to keep that in mind

9/20/91
The formula for poetry is PIE: personality (wit) intellect (form) experience (content). Without one, the other two don’t make it.

smugshitdisturbinginsufferablecondescendingbadmouthingblowhard

9/22/90
now I worry over every precious  
little inkling of my existence

in waning day clouds continents of fluff and light

it’s 1984 all over again

never trust a man who takes the laughter out of meaning

growing up we diminish the purity of our feelings by accepting responsibility and an overriding symbology that lets us hide how we really perceive things. . .once the human has reached the age of seven (the age of reason) he or she has had it as far as really experiencing. . . .

               Have I always been this forgetful
                  	       I can’t remember
               some Marcel Proust I am
         	      one moment to the next without a thought
                  	  worth hanging on to
               unmemorable to the extreme
                  	       I mean
               I’m the only one whose thoughts cause
         	                          instant amnesia
                  	  kids sound off
                    in their own hierarchy of things
         	                     desires mainly
               accumulating the need
         	                to have more than others
                  	       the original social disease
               if I deal with the present
         	      I can see its relationship to the past
                  	       a kind of artificial memory
                    made of assumption
         	                     and speculation
               I suppose I was that way at their age
         	      now my desires
                  	            compounded over time                              
                    return the original investment
         	           in the memory bank
                  	                      where was I
               I had forgotten to call the plumber
         	      dripping faucet reminded me
               and distracted toaster pops up
         	      while I’m out of the kitchen
                  	                 my muffins get cold
               I’m guessing but 
         	                I forget therefore I am

HOME MOVIE II

Ragtime piano roll music over pan up of a huge cement phallic fountain which then erupts against a background of tall yellow California grass and the mottled variegation of multiple evergreens in the distance. A blurring pan across the landscape. A fire burns in the firepit. The back of a woman at a piano. Die are cast and pennies move about to form shifting designs in a stop action sequence. A large sensuous wave breaks over itself.
Close up: Hunce Voelcker stares slightly above the lens and holds that gaze with an air of not quite agony and not quite ecstasy for the duration of his recital. The ocean breeze whips his wispy hair. In the distant background, the cliff-lined Pacific and the white glare of sea froth. His voice over speaks the introductory passage from his Hart Crane’s Voyages.
“. . .and Cutty Sark was drunk. . .the myth was sucked.. . .”  
Medium shot of Hunce donning his hat at shore’s edge. Another breaker spills over itself. Piano roll music over.
Close up: Dick Gallup’s long black hair surrounds his head like a dark halo obliterating everything but the mask of his face. He remains passive and a little self-conscious as if sitting for a portrait, eyes framed by glasses. His voice over speaks his poem.
“. . .urban blues may make me gray. . .victory or defeat.”
Close up of oil painting of Rich Taggart by Jose Lafitte. Medium shot of Jose watering the garden.
Close up: Rich Taggert, young handsome face’s trusting gaze at the lens, delicate cheek boned, seductive in a passive way. His poem is about Phaedrus.
“. . .the fire in turbulence. . .the scrotum’s blossom. . .”
Piano roll music resumes laconic. Medium shot of water rolling over a dam. Segue to wine stream from bottle neck into glass. Medium shot of Gil Helmick putting the bottle down, raising his glass to the camera.
Close up: Gil stares insolently into the lens, challenging it to be more than it is. His droop moustache and the wiry unruly tufts guarding his hairline give him the presence of an absolutely sane and ruthless Edgar Allen Poe. His voice over speaks his poem.
“a tiny explosive up for grabs. . .irreverently armed assassins”
Close up of Susan in profile with Gil glaring in the background. Medium shot of a woman at piano (presumably Susan).
Close up: Phil Newton, angry young poet with angry young beard stares relentlessly at the lens with angry dark eyes. His poem’s about eyes.
“. . .the sly eyes of kindness. . .two black eyes. . .”
Medium shot of Phil walking off into lush green underbrush. Resume piano. Medium shot of phallic cement fountain spouting jet of water. Medium shot of Ellen Appel’s husband, Doug, and their son, Adam. In the background, the sloping wooded landscape of Hunce’s property.
Close up: Ellen, the golden hue of waning day attached to the wisps of her hair in the slight breeze, mugs a pouty insolence, assured that it won’t affect her stark intellectual beauty. Her voice over insinuates her poems.
“. . .the yellow jackets are unrelenting. . .not adrift. . .”
Medium shot of Ellen, nude, bathing in one of the ponds in Hunce’s moat while husband and son look on.
Close up: Pat Nolan in straw hat with green plastic visor bringing cigarette to lips. Top half of face obscured by shadow of hat. Thoroughly animated, whistling, drinking from white coffee cup, mouthing words of insult. His poem about hitchhiking is a tribute to Lawrence Ferlinghetti.
“. . .the coffee trade is brisk. . .a car pulls up and I get out.”
Close up of baby Irene, cherub cheeked, golden curled. Music resumes, harpsichord and piano duet. Medium pan across the construction site in Pat Nolan’s back yard. Close up of Irene again, removing or placing something in her mouth.
Close up: Gail King, framed by a blank sky, coyly expressive indicating a giddy uneasiness with the camera hence the protruding tongue and the wrinkling of the nose. Her breathy voice over in the upper octaves speaks her prose poem.
“Mom was spaced out. . .a touch of science fiction. . .”
Medium shot of Jeffrey Miller and Michelle leaning on the fender of his old Ford, looking under the hood. Close up of Jeffrey’s hand placing a wad of bubble gum to seal the hole in the radiator hose. Raucous ragtime piano over.
Close up: Jeffrey’s head cocked to one side, dirty blond hair not so much slept in as lived in, generous amounts of mascara (raccoon-like) around half-lidded eyes that seem the perfect companion for the smirk and the delta of lip beard straight out of Dumas. The winning smile lets go with a puff of smoke. His poems sparkle, irreverent.
“. . .it felt like a kiss. . .I’m not Ted Berrigan. . .”
Stop action sequence. Medium shot of Hunce in a red dress, Jeff  in a suit twirl around the old VW station wagon. In the background, the red hued wooden A-frame of Hunce’s house. Medium shot of Alice’s yellow Vega zigzagging across the parking lot under the Monte Rio bridge. Montage of shots showing Andrei and Alice Codrescu mugging for the camera in their home. Close up of Alice’s portrait of Andrei on the wall. Up-tempo piano rag.
Close up: Andrei framed by luxuriant black curls of his long hair (shades of Louis XIV), dark compelling eyes give it the Svengali routine, lips under the dark moustache rouged. His Romanian accents curl around his English words.
“. . .a man of hair. . .my fingernails look good in jello. . .”
Medium shot family portrait of Alice standing to one side behind Andrei sitting with young Lucian on his knee. Resume piano. Montage of stop action shots as all the players appear one by one in front of the piano in a jovial gathering of artists and poets, Ellen reprising her nude scene stretched out atop the piano. Long shot of phallic fountain in the shadows moves in for close up of water jet gushing from tip. Linger on water stream. Slow moody piano. Long shot of sun in the trees at sunset as the signatures of the poets crawl across the landscape. Spare laconic piano. 15


9/28/91
Souls migrate like continents. Souls migrate with the sureness of continents. We all have our faults towards which we lean. Time erodes the standpoint from which we view ourselves, the curse of immortality.

I’m never done with anything

too many directions
not enough places to go

The theory of reflexive utterance is simply struck by phenomena (any), the mechanism of our souls (insides) starts the whelming and depending on the time or mood we are either speechless or like a mug with a good head we can translate our wonder into the creaks and groans of crying out loud

the baroque of being organized

no matter the technology
photos don’t show everything

language doesn’t change
it shifts like light

               Strife grief constant
               smooth cosmetic numb
         	      shatter response fail

               not exactly Mark Twain
         	                but what can I expect
                  	  screws clamped tight
                    I grind out my disappointment

         	           “I believe in love” 
                  	                      radio mocks

               feeling for a friend
         	                     (one of the few)
                  	       served injustice
                    with a side of heartache

         	           and I had to find out
               the hard way
         	                the dreaded phone call
                  	  of the ‘80’s
               where the tense
         	                     on the other end
                  	  is past singular

               another mistake admitted to
         	      and its residual sadness
                  	  like the odor that comes
                    with the opening of
         	                a can of worms

               “Hey, it sucks!”
         	                          I want to shout
               and it’s not even
         	                any of my business

9/29/97
Dear Jeffrey (in Heaven), 
     I know that’s where you are because all dogs go to Heaven (poets included). Poets only visit Hell in their mortal lives or for literary conventions. I’m writing this twenty years after your death16, and as we approach the millennium (something you would have had great fun with), the frenzy intensifies — all this fuss over a round number. Gail and I are the last of the old poet gang still in Monte Rio. I know you’re not surprised. Everyone else has moved away or died. I won’t bore you with news of the dead for obvious reasons. Andrei is in New Orleans. So is Gil. Dick, last I heard, was still driving cab in SF. Ellen is a teacher in Vermont. Rich is back in SF, and Phil is living off the land in Oregon. Lana landed in Oxnard. Michael-Sean dropped off the face of the earth (maybe you’ve seen him). Keith teaches in Boulder. Carol lives in SF, Karen is wildly successful, and Steve is back in Oakland. I’m still here because I didn’t have anything better to do or any better place to go.
      You probably know that Hunce and Andrei guided you across the Bardo plane with their readings from the Tibetan Book of the Dead shortly after your demise. A few weeks later your poems were read at an amazingly surreal memorial event in Cotati by a gaggle of friends and famous poets. You would have hated it. And within six months a selection of your works appeared, complied by Andrei and Jim Gustafson, and entitled The First One’s Free. You would have disagreed with the selection. As the title suggests, the books were free. Alive, it’s doubtful that your words would have seen print with such swiftness and ease. Ironic, isn’t it? As it was, once published and delivered to bookstores, your volume of poems was on its own. Unfortunately, the fact that they were free might have worked against them. Bookstores are not, for the most part, interested in “free” and the reading public regards anything free as disposable and probably not worth their time. Hence, a few of us took it upon ourselves to sell your books to used book stores, a copy at a time, so that they did eventually find their way onto shelves with a respectable price rather than in the bargain bin or the throwaway box. Your fame is also assured by another friend of Andrei’s from Denver, Ivan Suvanjieff, who became a great fan of your work and published some of your unpublished poems in his magazine, The New Censorship. Andrei also published your works in his magazine, Exquisite Corpse (no pun intended, I’m sure). You haven’t been forgotten. In fact, a filmmaker from Budapest looked me up a few years ago. He was comparing you to Kerouac and James Dean. You would have died, laughing. You were designated the first “punk poet,” after all. He wanted to produce a documentary of you for Hungarian National TV. I told him that you had worked on Christo’s running fence, something that would resonate with his countrymen. And I told him how your heart was ripped from its place when you were thrown from the car when it hit the tree. I took him out to Hunce’s and to where you used to live. He took some pictures out by the old whaling boat. Yes, it’s still there! Then his car got stuck in a ditch. I had to help him out using the old jack trick, you remember the one. Some things never change. In fact, they repeat themselves. I never heard if the documentary ever got made, but at this point, do you care? Whenever I dust off a copy of your book of poems to take down to the used bookstore, I always think, his was such a great beginning, it should never have been an end. Say “hi!” to everyone “up” there for me.


                       When there’s nothing else 		
                        to be done
               		     it’s hard to imagine
               		sitting still for this
               		a corona descends 
                    		and surrounds
                         		the body
                    	to announce
                           	   a pop quiz
               		tell
               		me who
                         			“who”
               		are
                    		you
                    	I examine my fingers
               		conclude the obvious
               		these agents of my desire
                    	have seen it all
                    		but they ain’t talking
               		I have to take an educated guess
               		so much for learning
                              anarchy at least entertains
                             I never get the whole picture
                  		           the blanks
                                 left up
                  	       the imagination
         		                     fills in
                               opportunity is having the time
                  	  to sit and say
                                “I don’t know”
         	          golden light pales
                                electric high hum
                                                   sputters
                                   near
                         the bottom of the page

Endnotes
[15] Hunce Voelcker first taped the poets reading on a reel to reel machine in his attic workshop. Then he filmed each of the poets in a setting of their choosing with a Super 8 mm camera. The premiere showing was at Hunce’s, attended by all plus some. The tape player and the projector were synchronized by hand, Hunce flipping the switch on both machines simultaneously after he’d yelled “lights out!”

[16] Death is a displaced name for a linguistic predicament.

Subtext
“. . .the name Orpheus itself belongs to the oldest level of Greek  names. . .pre-Homeric. . .an initiator whose power transforms even the wildest creatures, animals and men who live in the wilderness. . . associated with the initiation of young men in the wilds of nature. . .there something significant was disclosed to them in music and song that delivered them from their blood spilling savagery and gave a deep sense to the ceremonies of transit from immaturity to adulthood. . .the announcer of this mystery played the lyre but was not a mere singer. . . .”

Made In The Shade 3-1

7/1/82
I am told untold sorrow 
by a little bug in my ear 
disappointment balloons up
like an empty mail box
my hand reaching out into
the bottomlessness for letters
or packages or postcards
or the answers to my dreams

7/2/82	 
secret sensuality
naked admission
uneasy desire
frequent denial
casual forgiveness
mortal paranoia

VIRGO: To everything there is a season, and this is yours. The good times have begun to roll. Now you benefit through friends and/or organizations. You’ll adore, and deserve, the limelight. Add to this: across a crowded room, you may meet a stranger. . . .

7/4/91
way the air feels warm heavy
comforting enveloping light
leaks through the trees along
a ridgeline reddish at first
then orange gold till a white
flood erases every shadow
in the voluptuous garden
morning glory tendrils up
stretching with fragrant 
departing dew sip too strong 
java bare feet on cool plank
step vast lush vacancy of 
waking moment promise of ease
and relaxing freedom cricket
fireworks the 4th of July

7/6/83
it’s stinking hot
no shoes no shirt no service
so long Ted

7/7/95
I will always return to these pages
I like to read in-between the lines

screwed
potential runs out of gas

large discolored log is
severed head bobbing past

        In Part Two
	there are actually photographs of me 
	foot on the seat of a chair
hand to chin
	                 flipping pages
	gesticulating
                                               (not as nasty as it sounds) 
		                 caught in the act of performing    
		                 a shadow play
	(I use my hands a lot)
others picture me leaving town
                        a celebrity to my friends 
glad to see me 
		                  glad to see me 
			                                               go 
	takes days to get back
	            to where I was 
         though only one by bus 
	            I get the hero blues
         unappreciated and sane 
                    home again
         touching ground digging in the dirt 
         reflecting in the hot sun 
         was it worth all the money 
         I got feedback flash lag 
         quite noticeable in the stark
         fluorescent lighting of the classroom 
         connections few a real sitting 
         on of the hands atmosphere 
         which is why you should always 
         bring friends to
	                         your poetry readings
an unraveled basket of nerves 
                                              after words
fragile as cherry blossoms

—I speak a great deal about the poet’s locale, his place, in my work. Is this a geographic term or am I thinking of an inner sense of being?

The universe can’t be observed unless you observe yourself at the same time observing it. Give yourself a place to stand and you can move the world. That’s not original with you, by the way. “You are there,” as Walter Cronkite once said, and “there you jolly well are,” as Lord Buckley also remarked. Gertrude Stein talked of Oakland having no “there” there. Where you are at allows you to write what you are because you are not only influenced by physiological circumstances but by physical circumstances as well. The inner landscape mingles seamlessly with the outer one and they reflect each other in very subtle ways. Add the distortion that language can apply and you have artifice according to your particular skills and inclination.

—That kind of puts me on the outside of the circle of accepted convention when it comes to thoughts on poetry. How does where I’m coming from, my locale, interact with a supposed audience for my work?

Your notes toward the future are bound to be local. Whether poetry has ever had an audience, on the other hand, is a moot point. The number of serious poems that have signified much to anyone beyond a very restricted minority is small. The proposition that poetry is in some ways the highest human accomplishment, the one most imitative of the original enigma of creation, is almost universally accepted. But that universality is conventionalit is an abstract password of culture rather than something that most human beings have felt in their bones. “Can anyone hear me?” is a question for the most part that will go unanswered. If poetry is acknowledged at all, it is as a conventional referential experience, not as something that is sought after privately in time of need and comfort. This point would have been just as valid in a period of greater literacy. Today, it is a point hardly worth making.

— So is my poetry nothing more than a presentation of facts that have within them a resonance that can affect meaning on the level of language?

Increasingly you grow less confident that the “facts” have a stable eternity “outside” the contaminating range of an altering, culturally, and linguistically governed psyche. To obscure is to alter. To define and to understand, even in the most neutral abstract fashion, is to incorporate the evidence within a particular matrix of human choices, images, and symbolic reflexes. To put it another way, where the natural sciences have been largely concerned with the transmission of force. . . gravity, magnetism, thermal energy. . . we appear to be moving toward a model in which it is the transmission of information that matters most. The radical wonder of live matter is not mechanical force but meaning. These are echoes of Orphic belief, that the grammars and creative modes of speech have their counterpart in all of nature so that life is language and organic processes are articulate forms.


       To start up the trash compactor
	first I stand in the  garbage can
	then I jump up and down
	in other parts of the world
	people flock to the birthplace
	homes of the notorious holy and
	popular go through the garbage can
	to find some little of significance
	touch a world that they can
	only conceive of in a dream my own
	stomped down dressed in brown
	paper to make room for the more to come
	there are many curiosities to feed
	one of the many days when everything
	must go and leave like I do for
	a couple of days in the big city
	where every face (and there are many)
	holds a story that can be told
	in one or more sentences or tourists
	beckoning to each other to hurry
	in a language of their own business
	the bourgeoisie from other countries
	matching their inflated currency against
	ours in a never-ending spending spree
	that gets passed along to their dopey 
	kids trailing behind with slung airline
	bags and short trousered rosy legs
	the hills alive with cable cars and 
	swarming with Chinese who live here 
	like the Pacific is a river you just 
	step across which is absolutely true

7/4/94
Dear editor The article on the reopening of the Pink Elephant two weeks ago, and the commentary it elicited from Bob Jones as well as the “Talking Pictures” in this last issue point to something that is more pernicious than religious bigotry, racism, and sexism (homophobia, misogyny, misandry). That pervasive undercurrent is classism. Even and if ever all the former were somehow abolished or neutralized, classism would still hold its inequitable sway. Hierarchy rules, it’s a game of social “king of the mountain,” and the higher up you are the more difficult it is to see what is below. It’s as if all of those who place themselves above others can only look down but cannot see. Consequently they make the assumptions of the elite, and more often than not, they are misassumptions. Is there any wonder that there is distrust between the classes when sanctimonious pronouncements are made by those who live high on the hill about those who live down on the street? The great poet Bob Dylan once wrote, “I wish that for just once you could stand inside my shoes.”  The self-righteous with their politically correct agendas have no place to stand, really. Some of the people quoted were clearly stating class prejudice but can we expect less from these publicity seeking new age hypocrites? Only their pet project is worthy of community approval. I don’t remember Mr. Davis advertising his Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners but he reached out to the whole community and for those on a tight budget around the holidays his generosity was most welcome. Have the high and mighty done anything near as selfless for this particular segment of the community? If Steve Baxman weren’t Mayor-for-Life of Monte Rio, I’d nominate Mr. Davis, for his humanitarianism as well as for his business savvy. The Pink has always been a center of cohesion for many people even when Monte Rio was more than a one water trough town. With its reopening comes the hope for the return of this unity. For those who bemoan the scourge of alcohol and wish to limit its availability, prohibition didn’t work because it concentrated on a symptom, not the cause. As long as there is oppression of working stiffs and the exploitation of labor by the ruling class, there will inevitably be a desperate class, a class whose only solace is mind and body numbing drink and drugs. Those who sit and meditate on their silk cushions have no idea and even if they did it would probably be a false memory. I say spare us the classist snobbery of these faux aristocrats with a misguided sense of noblesse oblige. The Pink will reopen. Long live the Pink! May it succeed as a watering hole for the entire community, and may it prosper.


DEATH OF A POET

It was a night of the full moon and as it was July the day had been blistering. The party was at Andrei and Alice’s and just about everyone was sitting on the old ramshackle porch swigging their favorite beverage. Jeff in his thirteen hole t-shirt was there drinking a beer even though he had sworn off booze weeks before. It was his 29th birthday, after all, didn’t he have something to celebrate? “I made it this far” he told me and then mumbled something about death or dying, something I immediately dismissed as being Jeff the morose poet which he was when he was drinking and which was why he had stopped drinking so that he could be Jeff the sharp intelligent poet. The joke about the “lead dogs” got old real quick when you finally picked up on the self-destructiveness behind it: Jeff driving home from the Pink Elephant drunk would occasionally hit the steel girders of the bridge crossing the Russian River a glancing blow with the right bumper or fender and comment “whoa just hit another lead dog!”  So there was a problem. But on this bright night the only problem seemed to be how to stay cool. One way was to spit your drink in someone’s face so that they in turn would spit theirs in your face which then degenerated, with the shout of “free shower!” into people pouring drinks over each other’s head and with that pieces of Jeff’s huge birthday cake came out of nowhere to splat into someone’s face. The couple humping in the brightly lit kitchen were oblivious to it all. Then someone found the hose though Alice put her foot down about bringing it into the house and whomever had the hose had the power which then erupted into spontaneous mud wrestling. I like to think I remained above all those shenanigans but I can’t remember. I do remember the next morning the telephone banging through the corridors of my empty aching skull. It was the red telephone but I wasn’t expecting any calls from Moscow. It was Andrei. “Pat,” he said, “I don’t know how to tell you this. Jeffrey was in a wreck last night.”  I waited to hear what I knew was coming. “He’s dead.”


7/8/89
claim made to immortality by dying
with these contradictions we live

the dead become important just by the way they are talked about

7/10/93
As a poet I can only stand in awe of being and be absorbed in the task of self-transformation, striving to extend the range of my own realization of. . .what. . .there’s a word I’m looking for. . . .13


7/18/89
on the eve of the revolution
(two hundred years later)
banks versus the people again
those who have taking from those
who barely can manage littering 
the streets with human debris
equations in the math of history 
explosive inexcusable negligence
no one should live like that
plutocracy: the food of the future
in other words: EAT THE RICH! 
shelter in their mansions burn
their antique furniture for warmth
wear their fashions to tatters


7/19/91
These thoughts I had with my eyes closed. I was given a demonstration of how the most popular radio commercials were done. First the man talked into a large brown paper bag to give his voice the proper tone. Then an anvil the size of an ant was dropped through the bottom. I had to give advice to some people on head lice. “I’ve worked with kids for seven years” I heard myself say. “I should know what I’m doing.”  I felt a vague displeasure when I sat up. Thus began a very difficult day.


7/20/90
thin and anti-social
the “me” formula
spirals down the banister
hats enhance appearance
experience vs. authority


                It’s hard to believe
		I’m wrapped in a cocoon
		of love by those who surround
		me with their attention 
		in spite of it all
		nevertheless and regardless 
		of my own inconsistent humor 
		casual or inflexible
		but always seemingly aloof 
		or preoccupied by myself
		I recognize the heartwarming 
		in my daughter’s exclamation 
		in my son’s laughter my good 
		wife’s unconscious song 
		my oldest boy’s manly grace 
		the tent of sentiment
		a gesture in the forest of 
		unrealized feeling 
		protects me from the great 
		unknown’s deadly solace 
		somewhere a report says 
		more widowers die of heart
		break something that seems 
		positively logical to me 
		the stars are mine I can say 
		because alone anything           
		has endless possibilities 
		but with my family there’s 
		nothing but this one moment 
		that contains all I need for 
		the foundation of my empire

7/21/89
private lightning zaps me alone
(my toenails spark unconscious)
it might not be so bad after all
I think determined to persevere
and make peace with the largely
buried past of ill-chosen words
a ray of sunlight cuts a swath
across the brown living room rug
and competes for attention with
the white flowers at the window


7/25/82
There’s a word for it I can’t find
morbid preoccupation with passing day
weep in a dream for someone still alive
a deathbed scene of high hysteria
one that borders on surreal comedy
unable to let go in my letting go
but forgotten until late afternoon
called up by some foolish and
insignificant transition of moments
the disturbing scenario puzzled together 
out of fragments of dream images
their ambiguity hauntingly chill
in the end it comes down to this
I have to bring myself to say good-bye


7/28/91
out of time my head in the clouds I walk rolling the ball of earth on the balls of my feet and passing the scenery to the edges of my vision where my ears can catch the whisper of its movement thankful for what’s a breeze to me

                Don’t want to hug
				nobody
			don’t wanna be hugged
		standard operating procedure 
			for the self-indulgent
		affection			    
				might as well be 
					infection
		what started off
				as a great day 
			goes to the dogs
			it’s their afternoon

		heat melt drip tongue out 
		from the shade the world 
		seems white with light 
		pale yellow at the edges

		yipes! I forgot
			I was watering
				the garden 
			(now swamp)

		I have to punch this picture
		to make it look right
		the use of force like when
		I broke the handle off
		the car door is all I have

		only sound
		low flying plane in
		the bright blue


—Can I explain the degree of consciousness or unconscious with which I create a poem?

Sometimes consciousness is like a radio. You listen to a station that has a lot of static and dead air. You tune in, you tune out. You catch snatches, formulate speeches, worry riddles, solve problems. Something repeats itself at odd moments as if some kind of code and you wonder: ‘What is it telling me?’  Galaxies of thought float through the time frame. Unfortunately the connections are light years apart. Change the station.

—Do I work better in isolated places? In going to live in the country, the ends of the earth as it were, did I want to put a physical distance between myself and other poets?

Probably. You weren’t very productive as a poet in the years you were an apartment dweller.

—Does poetry constitute the aim of my existence?

Yes.

—Would I say that my life as a by-product is existing without me?

Yes.

—Am I always so dogmatic?

Only when you’re talking to yourself.


Endnotes
[13] It may be that every utterance, every act of writing, obeys the principle of the conservation of energy as universal as is that in physics. Expelled from silence, language does its irreparable work. In words, as in particle physics, there is matter and anti-matter. There is construction and annihilation.

Subtext
“. . .heady riot out of frame all reason does dash and frantic outrage reign.. .crazed maenads run about the prophet who among them singing stands. . .flock about him as when a sort of bird having found an owl abroad in daylight, hem him in full round which forestalls him round and pull him to the ground. . .and murder him who never till that hour did utter words in vain nor sing without effectual power. . .and through that mouth of his (oh lord!) which even the stones have heard and onto which the witless beasts had often given regard. . .his ghost then expiring into air departs. . .the nymphs take the detached head and set it adrift on an apple bough as they descend the mourning river in boats with sable sails. . .then his head and his harp float past a far flung village. . .his harp yields a mournful sound, his lifeless tongue makes a certain lamentable noise as though it still yet spake and both banks in mourning-wise make answer too the same. . . “

Made In The Shade 2-1

MY BREAKFAST WITH ANDREI

A haystack of grated potatoes emits columns of steam; bright yolked eggs float on a thin film of oil which a diminutive, hair-netted woman tends with the crook of her spatula. The napkin holder is flanked on one side by catsup and mustard dispensers, salt, pepper, and a silo of sugar on the other. They are enclosed at the far edge of the gray Formica by a half corral of chrome which also encompasses a pot of relish, a metal cruet of cream (perpetually empty), and a tiny glass ashtray—there are four of them, with the same compliment of condiments, stationed down the length of countertop. The stools at this end of the Knotty Room, mounted on chrome pillars, swivel, crest-like backs upholstered in red vinyl. Andrei has an incredible stack of mail in front of him in the form of little magazines and review copies of small press poetry books. He orders the magazines by size on one side of his coffee cup and the review copies on the other side. Directly in front of him is a small but impressive pile of correspondence from publishers and famous writers as well as just plain fan mail. I can always find Andrei down at this end of the narrow diner after I’ve been to my post office box and retrieved the few postcards, rejected manuscripts, and bills. We thumb through the literary fare, incisively commenting on various aspects of various achievements. We create our own gossip, smug, sip from our cups of tepid river brown coffee. When the morning rush is over, we commandeer a knotty pine booth with the same red vinyl padding on the benches, similar Formica slab, and against the knotty pine wall, a corral of condiments and a jukebox selector with an “out of order” sign hastily scribbled on the back of a guest check taped to the curve of glass. Having seen the film, we wish to eat the book and order hash browns, eggs (over easy) and a raft of bacon, strips of which we had perceived earlier as having been constrained under a press of some sort and which led me to comment “must be some pretty fresh bacon.”  Jeff falls into the booth looking very very bad, his forehead seeming to crush his eyebrows, an expression that confirms how painful that must be, a letter in his hand from a collection agency ripped open with what looks like frustrated violence. He drinks his coffee black with the finality of a man downing a shot of whiskey. He recounts with bored insolence how he went over the side of the road with his newly purchased ‘54 Ford, saved from rolling fifty or so feet down the embankment when the front end wrapped itself around a big redwood tree. We all agree to a refill from the roving waitress and nod understandingly at how we are all propelled through this life by the cosmic winds and our own hot air.


Days that have gone
			fled waters
			under the bridge
tread the mill
		granted this species
to be able to repeat
	genetic mistakes
		over and over
clues to behavior
		locked in the vaults of ancestry
	I will never escape
	stare me in the face
	as do my own children

flakes of mental dandruff
	gather on the dark shoulders
		of ambition
the fragile furniture of my life
gets rearranged
			without notice
	frequently

drugs I take
			women I romance
	still don’t make the front page
distracted by the brandy in my cup
		and a song on the radio
		hooked for a moment
the way I will always be remembered

“ain’t it good to be alive” 

4/1/82
Disapprove of this last phrase

4/4/83
Bob Kaufman came to dinner. He didn’t speak much, if at all. His sinuses were continually draining. His companion, Lynne, did most of his talking. He would aspirate a word if absolutely necessary. “Want another burrito, Bob?”  What passed for “yes” snuffled out over the toothless gums. Afterwards he recited poems as if in payment for the meal. It was legal tender as far as I was concerned. He mushed out Olson’s The Kingfisher and the opening to Prufrock. Lynne had to give us hints as to which poems were which otherwise they would have been unintelligible. But there was a spirit to Bob’s intonation that made them poetry. Most of the time though, he was silent, resembling, at one point, a large caramelized rat hunched over the remains of the third burrito, a primal intelligence possessed by brilliant eyes.

4/5/85
Wild spring
Scudding clouds
O life!
Dark stream of swirling bogwater
on which appletrees have cast down
their delicate flowers
Eyes of girls among the leaves
Girls demure and romping
All fair and auburn
no dark ones
They blush best
Oh yeah!

4/7/83
Read what I wrote last night. Vague words for a vague emotion.

I wouldn’t operate machinery in this condition
but everything else should be a lot of fun
the question is why would anyone one want to
operate machinery under any condition
the perfect machine can operate itself
man is a perfect machine in one sense
but only in that sense otherwise hardly
that leaves a lot of room for other things 
imperfect half-formed thoughts and ideas
that come as visions or out of nothing
a kind of conjuring that comes from doing
and lets the body get next to itself
some half of wit joined to some equally
inept fragment of universal consciousness
accidents collisions all the things
a machine could never hope to survive
a machine can correct my spelling
as I sip from a glass and crush a butt
I think of how incredibly stupid I can be
but a machine can only be correct
I get the privileged fact of my mistakes
I get out of control but it’s an ancient
thing to do not that that’s why I do
I can remove myself from where I am
but a machine can only be where it is
flying high I can laugh at it knowing
that if it could (I’m thinking of TV)
that it would be laughing at me
a machine fulfills its particular role
mine fill scrapbooks in alphabetical order
the laughter of my kids activates me and
I become a robot of love and affection
a machine in the industry of family

4/15/88

Dear Richard —
Thanks for sending the manifesto—I appreciate your time and effort. I can’t say that I disagree with the essence of much of what is said. On the other hand, there are little things about the manifesto that bother me. There seems to be a suggestion of elitism in phrases like “writers we feel are worthwhile”, and in particular, I don’t like the way “expressivist” is used, or its connotation: “expressivist” = “recidivist”. In many ways this edifice of literary theory that “they” are building is a shadow Academy, a bulwark of Neo New Criticism, the elevation of the “professional” ethic (possibly a contradiction in terms) over that of a creative esthetic. I can’t blame anyone for wanting to legitimize their practice as a poet, but to parrot an already corrupt hierarchy of values is self-defeating. Besides the self-aggrandizement of some of the text, which is also in part self-deluding, the entire tone is humorless and severe as if the reader were being proselytized by an iceberg.
            The other problem with it is that while there are some fairly strong points, the manifesto as a whole goes nowhere. And as a basis for further discussion, it is rather flimsy. There seems to be a yearning to be accepted back into the womb of mother university, or for an academic acceptance that would legitimize their work. And to a certain extent they have succeeded. The texts and publications that they themselves cite in the manifesto should be enough to garner well-deserved attention. The question that comes up eventually is whether or not the poet is required to operate under the rubric of the university/academy, establishment or shadow. Can the poet leave the fold of the school or must there be an umbilical that is continually feeding him/her the latest in self-perpetuating professorial trends? That can be as great a rut as anything in mainstream poetry can be imagined to be. No denying that there is a crust of establishment poetry that is almost impenetrable to all but the most vapid compromises of intelligence and creativity. That, in most respects, is a given. The majority of poets writing today have encountered this. The politics of poetry (who is in and who is out) is a rat’s nest of backrooms and bedrooms, of favor mongering and toadying, none of which was addressed in the manifesto. Rather there is a choosing up of sides, a territorial imperative, a jargonistic imperialism which would create yet another class system to distinguish the haves from the have-nots. And of course there’s the obvious fact that while the theories, grand and altruistic as they are, have a certain intellectual merit, the poems that purport to follow this ideology have very little to recommend for themselves.
            Finally, there is the point of where the writers of the manifesto stand politically, and how they feel that the reaction against them is Rightist. Though this could very well be, personally, I could never consider them anything but Young Republicans, and at their worst, neo-Nazis. As avant-garde as they would like to think themselves, they come across in just about all their writing as conservatives.
            I hope I’m not being too unfair. A lot of their work I find very interesting. The importance of their writing shouldn’t be underrated. On the other hand, it might be unfortunate that their polemic overshadows their work as individual artists. My personal relationship with these poets I would ascertain as being pretty frosty. Life Of Crime came rollicking through town right during one of their more serious periods and the laughter, name dropping and ruckus was not appreciated. Their general animosity towards those they considered beyond the pale (or the literary “incorrect”) goes back before that, however. Ted Berrigan asked me to be on his panel at 80 Langton, commenting that he needed someone on his side. One of the few times one of that group ever talked to me was that night of the panel, before hand; he said, “Let’s not let Ted get away with this bullshit.”  He was referring, I later learned, to Ted’s invectives of the previous day.
            Otherwise there has been the wall of silence and disapproval from those folks. I’d take it personally if I really cared.


4/11/89
know what White-Out is
imagine a bottle of it
now find that place in
your memory where you store
my name and white it out

paper clips keep my shit together
that’s how bad it is
discouraged by the myopia
of an overambitious editor

4/14/87
An awkward resumption of all those things which accompany uncertainty or even just the inconvenience of not knowing what to do next and then not doing it. The law of diminishing returns and its applications.

4/15/89
I feel careful funny historic stuck up modern more rested playful archaic scientific rich that alive electric hooked lucky clever international alone loved wise superstitious free foolish sexy rough mysterious wet wired vulnerable cheated ecstatic together satisfied sad ok. 

4/21/91
subtle matter

overheard:  “Not that I want to make you self-conscious or anything like that, but with a laugh like that you must be great in bed.”

the assembled rumble of an arriving vehicle

in search of one’s self follow the trail to the old gods—there, in partial obscurity, unclothed of our present trappings and assumptions, in the damp half-light of a dim but palpable past, you can find yourself

pencil fades

missed out on the big sex orgy at Hunce’s—wasn’t invited

4/22/87
limp home

Since everybody’s been
there before me
	I’m the only one here
				when I arrive
everyone I thought
I’d be meeting
	was long
			gone by then

I wasn’t using my real name

(debris)

adult child conflict
confusion on everyone’s part
can lead to much crying
and near hysteria
resolve and placebo
a laugh track makes it all better
how oppression can be ignited
from such a small flame

what was I trying to say

there are times
when these words are nothing
compared to the wail
and cry of some two year old

language refines raw power
I give myself the run-around

4/23/91
big rain storm
fooled everyone

our own image on a smooth metallic surface is a portrayal of the ripples in the mobile electron sea caused by the rays that have reflected from us

4/23/95
forever at the door of the inexpressible8 
getting up the nerve to knock

same as same

time is a commodity
it serves us well


4/24/90
I’m pulling myself out of this skin
a sweater once large now too snug
and me once too foolish now just smug
room for rent please inquire within
I’d tear my hair out but there’s this
big Latin word for it and I’d end up
a weird segment on the evening news
trying too hard but I must be strong
just can’t go forcing these situations
that’s easily breaking and entering

4/24/95
There is an unimaginable gulf, one that shows up on no map but which is continually mapped though never accurately or for very long. It is too vast, too deep, and ever changing.

urine trouble

Virgo:  The next three months will be the happiest, most productive of the year. Though you’ll often feel pulled to center stage (to receive the plaudits you deserve), much of your most creative work will take place alone. This is the chance of a lifetime to take a creative challenge and fly with it.

It’s all blank tape
		black tape
I want to spill my guts
				all over the page
but I don’t want to die
	I look down the tree-lined street
	as it goes on forever
the majesty of the milling gray sky
and wonder if that’s the best I can do
days whistle by in my ears
		stir the trees
	as in time-lapse photography
the hair on my face has taken over
and I feel like a cop behind a signboard
advertising what won’t mean much for long
we’ll soon all become lawless and hairless
a sure sign of advancement
		a green light to the traffic jam
	known as evolution
a process akin to the slow cracking of ice
at the heart of a glacier
the seemingly haphazard crystallization
	just another statistic
		in a long line of probability
I am more lenient of a fanatic than some
					(apparently)
so why not become Buddha
		what else is there to do
head like a rock
		faceted or smooth
				shiny when wet
		in the throes of a tantric TV tantrum
I need something 
                a remote to change my mind			 

—I’ve stopped thinking of literature as something solely to be enjoyed; it is, rather, the substance upon which I feed. I write and many times it doesn’t go beyond that. This attitude doesn’t help my feelings of isolation and alienation much. Am I wrong to feel this way?

As a poet you often write for yourself alone. “Writing settles nothing.”  as Kerouac so succinctly put it. Once it becomes a part of your page it becomes other than it was. Once you have written it, written is what it is and inherently immune or oblivious to the rules and laws that governed it when it wasn’t. It becomes the thing written. It will bear only passing resemblance to anything but itself. Imagination in the written word remains a world of its own, a de facto parallel universe invariable, unique of necessity. Its facts apply strictly to what is written and will be written in a world of tangled but viable complexity. Based on what was and what might have been, it becomes.

—But I want my poetry to say, “I wanted that chocolate malt so bad I spilled it all down my front” and mean it.

—The original sin of art is that it wants to convince and to please, like flowers that grow in the hopes of ending up in a vase. You write poems without expecting anything but the profound joy that you feel in making them. You can’t be preoccupied with the finished product. Sure, some things, everything must have a certain finality. When you start thinking about it, hidden doubts surface: the only finished products are the dead. These dead things, extinct, vanished, rubbed out, then can become tangibles of an imagined perfection. To live up to these expectations, you only have to die.


Death comes
	night and day
I learn of it in black and white
and if it’s someone
			in entertainment
especially music
radio’s full of reminders
that the good die young
meteors
		astonishing
	before they blink out
the better die later
warm to the touch
			forever
a kind of magic formula
that just rolls off the tongue
in the immortality of numbers
“some people tell me
		the worried blues ain’t bad”
other worlds call
I have a set of shelves
a tree to fall landscape
yard hang door plumbing
all in my immediate future
it makes no sense
	but that’s what
		I like about it
after all
	moment frozen in time’s
	just another ice cube
the ideogram for river
love birth love death love birth love etc
			I go with the flow
a movement that doesn’t stop for anything  

4/25/90
“There is no need for you to leave the house. Stay at your table and listen. Don’t even listen, just wait. Don’t even wait, be completely quiet and alone. The world will offer itself to you to be unmasked; it can’t do otherwise; in raptures it will writhe before you.”										—Franz Kafka

4/26/95
utter chaos

isomorph of the cosmos

day becomes a bludgeon
pulverized by a vast angst

4/27/90
Oldfatheroldartificerstandmenowandeveringoodstead9  

4/28/87
Familiar and popular as sex and violence, pop organ rhythm bar voice over flat monotonous primal exercise. “The time to hesitate is through.”  Power, lust, resentment, base competition, and if you want a good example of clone, take a look at the poetry scene which is a microcosm of self-perpetuation and outright cannibalism of the fittest, a kind of backasswards literary Darwinism. It is through this gush and pose bewilderment some, unknowing, must pass. It makes no sense, thus endures. If you chose poetry as your life, don’t let your intellect write a check your ass can’t cash.

4/29/91
do I have any imagination
or is it just one big
gigantic repressed memory 

Endnotes
[8] The assignment of meaning in poetry is a shifting, kaleidoscopic play, probably below the threshold of consciousness, certainly outside the pale of discursive thinking. The imagination that responds to poetry is personal and associative and logical, tinged with bodily rhythms, tinged with dreams, but concerned with a wealth of formulations for its wealth of wordless knowledge, its whole knowledge of emotional and organic experience, of vital impulse, balance, conflict, the ways of living and dying and feeling. Because no assignment of meaning is conventional, none is permanent beyond the word that passes; yet the brief association was a flash of understanding. The lasting effect is, like the first effort of speech on the development of the mind, to make things conceivable rather than store up propositions.

[9] There is a matter of elongation, a stretching of meaning and sound to move from one level to another and once that is reached another step has been taken as all things now and forever are in the past. The delight is in the opposition of meaning and sound as in homonyms, but in this case the multi-syllabification allows syntax to enter the picture and force the subject away from meaning into action.

Subtext:
“. . .‘Don’t look back,’ the three little words whispered to Orpheus by Persephone, have a resonance that echoes up from the underground like a hollow laugh. What exactly does that mean? Don’t look back or your memories will become lifeless monuments of stone? That seems like the obvious answer. After all what is past is gone and even if, like O, we wish to try to regain it and accomplish the feat, it is merely an illusion, and when we try to affirm the illusion with the appraisal of a backward glance, there’s nothing there but air. O may have thought he sweet-talked the gods into returning Eurydice to him, but he had essentially fooled himself. The greatness of his power convinced him that what he set out to do had been accomplished. Don’t look back had been planted like a pea under a mattress. It was the loose end of yarn that unraveled the fabric of his illusion. The princess of his unconscious had planted it there. In an uncontrollable fit of vanity, big O looked back to admire his triumph, his victory over the forces of life and death, his challenge to mortality, and what he saw was the transparency of his vanity, that is, there was nothing there. A lesson then for poets who feel compelled to examine too closely the illusions they create and feel the emptiness that crowds their lifeless words. Don’t look back. Believe in your accomplishments. Press on. . .”

Days pass in a trance or they are danced away in the skeletal jig, the deadly two-step performed day in and day out to a thread of music passed through the eye of a diamond needle which sews up the day in the shroud of night, deliberate as a fugue left to chance. An enormous patchwork quilt of every single moment (more or less) stretches out over the bed being made to lie in.

Made In The Shade 1-3

A dance left over from previous excitement
I gave my first kiss in the back seat of a car
in the back of a bowling alley near school
same day some little kid dropped a ball on my toe
my memory spins like a spring flung backwards
accompanied by guitar strains on the radio 
I was young it was wet wild and wonderful
probably like nothing else ever since or before
intense concentration of sensation copping a feel
a confession I make in a light-hearted mood
I could have written a song about it and made
a million but instead totally forgot until now

barring accident admits the inevitable
		crying chimes of a complaining child
		concentration it scatters


	“that’s right
				the women are smarter”
	not that the men are not as smart or smarter
					but they are truly alone
easier to take with children around

	I want to make this clear

	suddenly (as usual) realize
	the great fading beauty of my life
	can still be caught and touched up

the grunts and burps of actors on the screen do not
		redeem
they simply take all we have to give
		the plenty of time we should keep to ourselves
 

I am a man of rain sliced by the knife of rain, joining the howl of rain, letting loose with the piss of rain. The nerve of rain always astounds me. I was invited to attend the marriage of rain. I endure the torture of rain. Nothing escapes the spatter of rain. The truth of rain dropped out of the air of rain. I stubbed the toe of rain. The proof of rain is in the pudding of rain. I played the skeleton key of rain on the harmonica of rain. I practice the art of rain (watercolor). The cry of rain underscored the pain of rain. A piece of rain dropped on my shoulder from the limb of rain. The deluge of rain seemed like it would never stop. Then I came face to face with the woman of rain.


3/3/89
buzz me

a whole new understanding
from some old beliefs


3/4/89
some local Venus


3/6/92
Michelangelo's birthday has been canceled 
there’s some kind of virus going around


3/7/83
delicate blossoms
capture the daylight
no film in camera

life is cruel when our fondest dreams are those of revenge


3/15/89
tearing pieces of tissue
and daubing cuts after shaving
an art I’ve yet to perfect
“et tu, Gillette!”

Dissatisfaction like the pout of a young girl
grants the economy of excuses
		a breath mint
or the overwhelming lethargy of the uncommitted

“I want to love and treat you right”

practice ambassador ferrous material
a good day for plumbing
				     the recesses afterwards
as in the pipes are no longer
		circumstances

“children under five can eat for nothing”

no joke no comedy no shit
and a prohibition on disguise
flakes of matter fly like dandruff
on the shoulders of a dark side
no one ever gets to see
		even less acknowledged
like the following

out of talk comfort’s strength of conviction

a piece of cake begins as flour
and the apparent technique of centuries
action speaks the language of body
speech words the language of mind
there are no priorities of assumption
in this case
		only what needs be done

in the mirror advantage has its hand out

I recite the alphabet of rain. I don’t understand the language of rain so I have to read the subtitles of rain. I gather the pearls of rain. The sizzle of rain fried on the asphalt. I run the gauntlet of rain. Still get burned by the acid of rain. I awake to the glimmer of rain. A shroud of rain covers the river of rain. I hear the yowling of rain. It is the cat of rain. I stand in awe of the phenomenon of rain and ponder the meaning of rain. The grammar of rain eludes me.6


3/19/91
Dear Keith—This news is certainly hard to take. It’s a reminder that we are all approaching critical mass, the tightening in our chests at the thought of our unthinkable destiny:  that our mindless pursuit of another minute is but a vain illusion—backwoods Buddhism at its lamest (layman-est). My own personal isolation is certainly a hedge against that day, not that there’s any hiding . . .  And just when I was beginning to understand what “good health” meant! The eyes, the joints, the abused organs, the neglected muscles—I’m nothing if not battered, bruised meat. There’s a grim ironic humor about it all. I can still look in the mirror and see the seventeen year old kid I once was (though not as often as I used to), but when I run into an “old” friend then the passage of time is real obvious and their faces a much more revealing mirror. I feel for what you must be going through (though I can only imagine and maybe that’s why all the rambling sophistry.)  I hope and wish the best for you.


3/17/90
I followed the rainbow. It fell into a field carpeted with mustard flowers. It was set against a sky as dark as asphalt. Off at an angle the sun shone brightly. I steered the curve to the right and the rainbow followed me! I caught it out of the corner of my eye. Then bank left toward the straight-away, and there it was in all its glory, a full color prism of tiny droplets against the flank of a bronze hillock. The highway cut through the center of the bluff and I sped toward it. The broad bands of color advanced accordingly. Up the embankment from the vineyard though its intensity was beginning to fade. It was directly in front of me when I passed into the cleave of the hill. The spray of colorless wet spread over the already damp windshield. And that was it. No, as I explained to the kids, didn’t go bump over no pot of gold, either.

The rain which is taken as medicine
	in its expected season
		won’t stop
and now wide eyed the weather report
	becomes important
		satellite picture scanned
			for new fronts
	and the Pacific high
		cause of all the dryness
					in recent years
		nowhere to be found
waters returning to their original
				stream and lake beds
find them crowded with mobile homes
			tracts become lagoons
	or return to the bay
			they once were
high ground slides onto highways
	and leave out-of-the-way homes
		perched on the edge of tranquility
dreary cold and wet boards up houses
	pitches those within
					into throes of anxiety
so much to be done
			winter’s accumulated dust
			jostled confined nerves
	I mean how many books can you read
			how many rugs can you hook
		before mere mortality impresses
				with its tragedy
late sun as sky goes partially cloudy
		illuminates the edges of a window
		adds to deep gray
					    a faint yellow glow

—Sometimes I suffer from Roussel’s Syndrome: I work in my mountain fastness and expect that my creations have the pulse of life and that everyone is also in tune with them as if they were a permeating psychic literature. When I come down from the mountain, so to speak, maybe I expect, as Roussel did, the adulation of the citizenry. Roussel, as you know, broke out in a rash and was bedridden for weeks. For me, it’s mostly just a relief.

You should know that choosing poetry is an act of desperation.

I spent years trying to find an acceptable voice in the eyes of literate society and now that that seems unlikely, I feel that I might as well write in whatever way I want or can. Have I given up?

The uselessness of genuine literature is what makes it morally useful so you’re way ahead of the game there — its form is empty but present, its meaning absent but full. The real writer, a watcher at the crossroad of all other discourse, does not write about something, but rather just writes; the practice of writing is of itself excessive, playful, intricate, painful, subtle, self-indulgent, sensuous, a language which can never be that of power. Words describe the psychology of objects and writing is the progenitor of the technology of self-consciousness. Your problem is that vanity keeps looking over your shoulder. Don’t look back.

Do I have a persona and if so, who is it?

—The Deejay, MC Orpheus.


THE PHANTOM OF MONTE RIO

Andrei knew Hunce Voelcker from New York City. I had met Hunce there once myself. His book, Hart Crane’s Voyages, was prominently featured in many of the bookstore windows in the Lower East Side then. Now he lived a few miles outside of Duncan Mills, which, like Monte Rio, was just another wide spot on the road to the coast. He drove an early ‘60’s VW bug, yellow with a black Batman logo on the driver’s door. He was a character even here. Never without the sweat-stained Stetson, feathers, dried flowers, weeds, anti-war buttons in the hatband. A Boy Scout scarf around his neck (he’d been an Eagle Scout) offset a pallid drawn visage that many said reminded them of Lon Chaney’s Phantom of the Opera. Bad teeth and a compulsive smoker, his altruism and intransigent innocence were sometimes hard to take. He lived in a gingerbread A-frame surrounded by a moat filled with goldfish. Crossing the moat was a foot bridge somewhat replicating the Brooklyn Bridge. At the foot of the bridge, where the moat widened out into a small pond, was a cement statue of Apollo, and planted around the outside of the moat were hyacinths, the god’s flower. The A-frame consisted of three stories. Between the first and second floor, cables were strung to simulate the supports of a suspension bridge. Narrow, sharp-cornered catwalk stairs lead to the loft bedroom and library. At one end was a deck that looked out at the downhill expanse of a meadow bordered by redwoods. A weighted trapdoor accessed the third floor where in the low ceiling, pointy peaked attic the poet would weave his craft. The window next to the typewriter looked out onto another deck and a bird feeder, invariably busy. At the other end of the room, beyond the dark shape of the wood-burning stove, another deck overlooked that same downhill rolling expanse. In the sitting room of the first floor, the windows on the north wall formed an H, and on the opposite wall, a V that stood for Hunce Voelcker. What was not said by these simple initials is “Hart Crane scholar extraordinaire, magical poet, craftsman, shaman.”  In his own way, Hunce preserved the sacredness of ritual and believed in its power, unflinchingly, in the face of derision, even by close friends who could sometimes be condescending. But his beliefs were set in concrete. In fact, everyone joked that Hunce owned stock in Portland Cement. He must have. How many hundred pound sacks of it did he mix by hand gluing brick to brick, shaping it around plastic pipe to create a fountain-decked perimeter constrained only by the limits of the imagination? Or shaping the moat, terraced to meet the angle of the hill on which the house stood, itself not terribly perpendicular to the horizon, the statue of Apollo, the Mount Shasta replica, the crusty phallic cement fountains, some whose outlines were emphasized by tiny squares of colored mirror imbedded in the mortar, as well as mosaics made of broken bottle glass and bits and pieces of tile inlaid in the cement constraints of the moat, and at each corner of the moat, a diorama depicting a point of Hunce’s magnificent obsession, the life and work of Hart Crane.


3/18/85
“These are my fantasies by which I may try to give an idea not of things but of myself.” -- Montaigne

nothing to report


3/19/89
prepared for poetry reading gave reading drank four beers danced twice


3/20/89
where are you when your best qualities are skepticism

a matter of adjudging the commentary and murmur of the previous evening, filing them in sequence, and in order of importance, and reviewing them periodically as your own best but subjective critique, sorting out the meaning of their intent


3/21/91
I have no energy
just like a particle

infinity:  one past now
Year of the Ram, 4689

VIRGO: As the week begins, count any news to be good news. A trip is well favored. Past progress provides a launching pad to new and exciting goals. Change is in the air. You’re off and running.

Hey I was up with the dew this morning
the pointy trees behind the house across 
the street looked black and rubber stamped
the mist turned a creamy orange at its hem
while above the cottony white dropped from
the bright blue shoulder of the early sky
but I was changing a diaper and my knee
had fallen asleep and I couldn’t get up 
to go to the window to get a better look
and then Flipper lost his hearing and I 
had to find out why it was just as I thought
we all want to have friends like the dolphin
instead we have each other and Cream of Wheat
I’ve had too much coffee and it’s only
seven-thirty I’m ahead of myself again and
it’s already time for another cup or two
the breakfast I should have had hours ago
because now sun comes in full and bright
through the windows of the back porch and
makes a shimmering design baby boy calls to 
recognizing its intrinsic intelligence and
possibility as I munch a possible apple
the dishes I didn’t do I feel guilty over 
when I hear the rush of water from the tap
in the kitchen I know someone else is doing
all I can think of is regenerating myself
getting stoked up so I can ski through
the day on the slopes of creative splendor
every move I make another click in the
right combination to amazing coincidence
the bright arc of fusion illuminates
when everything becomes quite clear in
the momentary flashes that electrify my world

THE POETRY READING

The cabin down below the main house where I worked had been transformed into an overheated, smoky, packed-to-the-rafters literary event. Someone from the University was videotaping it. Another enterprising soul had taken up a collection and returned with an ounce of marijuana that was promptly rolled into cigarettes and passed around to the participants after which time a very congenial atmosphere prevailed. The readers of poetry that night were myself, Michael-Sean Lazarchuck, and James Nolan (no relation). Fortunately no one read overly long and in no time, it was Michael-Sean’s turn. Now it was Sean’s practice to be pretty much oblivious by the time his turn came around, and tonight was no exception. He talked loudly to his neighbors while the other poets read, and tonight especially, as he was in pursuit of the fair-haired muse in the guise of Karen Gordon, the readers, and the audience for that matter, could have been in Kokomo. Another thing about Sean was his attitude towards his work. It ran hot and cold and there was no predicting as to which way the wind would blow. Hopefully he would be psyched up before a reading but that wasn’t always the case. The slightest whim could send him into a self-destructive tailspin and then his work was shit and he wasn’t going to read that crap to anyone. Tonight however, he simply could not be bothered as he was more interested in making time with Karen, but after much coaxing and physical coercion (which Sean thought laughable) from myself, he reluctantly shambled up to the podium through the sprawled maze of debauchees. He wasn’t going to make it easy, that was obvious from the mischievous grin. He sorted through his manuscript folder, shuffling one page behind the other. One poem would look promising and he would read it over silently to himself, shake his head and place it at the bottom of the stack. All the while those assembled waited in anticipation, though there were some at the back of the room who hooted their impatience. This continued for some time and finally Sean looked at the audience and stated flatly, “These poems stink.”  There were protests of “just shut up and read!” and “come on, don’t cop out on us now!”  Sean set the manuscript aside and looked out over the crowd purposefully. Then he began talking, easily, improvising obviously, about how he had been out walking on the beach at the coast and how coming across the dunes he saw a figure approaching, and as the person came closer, he recognized him as Frank! Well, he and Frank had a long talk about poetry that rambled on and on with Sean inserting quotes from Frank’s poems and even Ted’s poems and connecting everything in a spontaneous montage depicting the poetry experience with such vivacity that everyone in the room was stunned speechless. The creative process had been demonstrated to be the opening of one’s self to reveal the bright glowing core of being right then and there.


3/22/91
Zen in the 90’s --
the young monk places his backpack 
on the front seat of his Volkswagen bus
(his begging bowl a corporate mailing list)

3/25/85
slam not the cake

the light
inside my head
makes me squint

ambiguity and indirection are methods of consciousness


3/29/81
Ah, the modern poem! in which meaning is glimpsed but hardly possessed. It’s like scientists inventing the electron microscope and concentrating on the instrument rather than the thing to be magnified. When you use language in this way, you magnify aspects of your reality. You can’t picture anything because that would take at least a thousand words so that writing poetry is more like dance, it’s a series of gestures and movements, it has its own music, and in this flow the mimetic arises, and the sequence of these actions signify, but never as an object, always as a verb; it is, like myth, the thing said.7 


3/30/89
lightning naps and other engaging forms of sleep
day marches through its artificial compartments 
each hour an additional weight to listless life forms
who like dust alight wherever the breeze blows
among open magazines and piles of library books
overworn socks night wear school notes hair brushes
the facsimiles of an existence scattered or strewn
as the archaeological refuse of a dig in progress
who’d dare disturb this sanctum with wakeful thought
radio drones on persistent static or a steady rain
a backdrop for the weaving of dreams into memory

Light is a kind of joy
it penetrates
		and gives delight
to the least
	magic of things
it leaves dark behind
and returns
	in its seasonal guise
the make-up of the skies
depends on the humor
		of the atmosphere
sun invisible
	but precise
			adept
at the shape and shadow size
wheel of fire turns
with its original awe
and potential as the source
as undoubtedly
		it always must
blue in its approach
red in its leaving

End Notes
[6] I have a certain ambivalence to all this. I’m not really concerned with what has been or what will be or even what is though the latter is unfortunately undeniable fact. If an adequate number of years have passed then those things are ancient history as far as I’m concerned. For me there is only what is about to happen, the happy or sad anticipation that the next moment I might come up with something really great or something really awful will happen. These are things I can’t control, don’t want to control, that are indications that life moves forward in a steady progress with moments of joy or grief lengthening or shortening the pace of events, how one day can seem like a week and one week can seem like a day. I spend hours examining the minute to see if it can blossom out into some generalization.

[7] Originality is a hand that’s been overplayed. The drive is to find how what you do fits what you are. Autobiography proclaims the individuality of destiny. The observer is observed as the center of his truly unique existence as complex as any systematic relationship.

Subtext
“. . . Orpheus reminded the gods of their place in the scheme of things. That’s how he elicits sympathy from Persephone; by reminding her of her earthly existence, the compassion of the dead for the living. But to teach Orpheus the impertinence of his logic, the gods show him the fickleness of human nature, the tragic curiosity, the crisis of faith! Once you look back, you’re lost—time passes, shit happens, and looking back is peering at shadows. Poets sing of yesterday to assure themselves of a tomorrow. By the time you read this, it is way past now . . .”